Saturday, September 15, 2018

Sunny days

For a brief while this week, I was Sunny again.

The Riminis were participating in the 30-year celebrations of HAU on 13 September, and asked if I could Skype in to sing a song in the memory of Call Cutta. Of course I said I would! I did a couple of rehearsals with Stefan (and Simon) and then there I was, singing Papa Kehte Hain out loud to an audience in Berlin at 1 am IST and crossing my fingers that 1. I didn't wake the kids and 2. the neighbours didn't complain!

This is what the folks in the audience saw at HAU lol. It's not the clearest photo but you can see me on a giant screen surrounded by balloons, right?

Earlier in the month I hosted a panel for the Women Writers Fest curated by She The People. I did their Bangalore Rani panels for a few months and really enjoyed those but realised I couldn't commit that kind of time with regularity. This one, being a one-off, was less stress and I actually had a lot of fun. The video's available on their page.

Of late I've finally been admitting to myself that I am, in fact, quite isolated. Even my loneliest days in Calcutta were not this... alone? I like being in the centre of people and happenings, and the events of this year are hard on me. Nothing will change by this admission, but I needed to hear myself say this, I think. That I've changed, I'm no longer making friends like I used to.

I do want to be with people. I want to have conversations, and feel passionate about events and things. This afternoon I felt crushed by disapproval and I don't even know how much of it was simple self-projection. I don't really have anybody I want to take this feeling to, there's nobody I quite trust to not hurt me even more just now. That feeling is very lonely. And it's all on me, it says everything about me and nothing about the people who love me.

All in all, it was nice being Sunny for a wee while. It was nice talking to people who remember a more fiery me, a more capable, achieving me. I hope that part of me comes back one day. This person I am right now feels only half complete.

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