Tuesday, November 28, 2017

I get a bit nervous

November is a family 'birthday month', and in my head, it tends to be special. This November, I am sitting in my house, restlessly opening and closing apps on my phone, and waiting for the month to end.

At the start of 2017 something hardened in me, some resolve I didn't yet quite understand. I went on to make choices that I didn't quite understand, I simply chose what my heart said I needed. Does that sound unacceptably flowery? It was exactly what I did. I drowned myself in too much tv so I wouldn't have to introspect on what I was doing. I wasn't ready for introspection. I'm still not sure I'm ready to think over my decisions. If I think long enough, I end up with more pain than clarity, so I'm probably not ready for introspection yet.

So at a time when my head could no longer think for me, I floated along making choices that didn't make sense, just felt right.

And yet, and yet, for a woman who prides herself on the rationality of her behaviour (however irrational her speech) this, my thirty-fifth year, makes no sense to my head. One day, I hope I will look back on this year, on my younger self, with compassion and love.

Right now, I find myself reaching out to friends and quietly ending the conversation. I'm not ready to talk. But I want to talk, have somebody hear me out without anger, without the need to tell me how wrong I am, how I should be doing it differently, anything, really. I want to be held, and soothed and spoiled with absurdities. This stage of my life is a strange one. I'm young enough to not feel middle-aged, but not young enough to run out looking for comfort. My parents are fighting their own battles and haven't had time for mine in a really long time. My marriage is set in its ways, and we go along the way we know best.

The other night, after one more such abortive contact with another friend, I reached out to Shuki and told her I needed reassurance. She told me exactly what I needed to hear, and in such Shuki style that for a minute I had to remind myself that we're no longer in the same city and I can't go over and give her a hug or get one.

So maybe I should trust in the order of things as I keep trying to. Maybe it's time to fly again and I need to let my fears go. Maybe I should reach out more and trust my needs will be met.


Anonymous said...

Sue, take a deep breath. Nap when you get a chance. I have been through similar phase many times. Sometimes just letting time take it's course helped me. Other times, I prayed for 5 mins every day and asked god to help me (mind you I am not at all religious). Few times I cried hard enough to make my heart lighter. Music helped once in a while. See and try what works for you. Wishing a lot of good things for you.

Sue said...

Anon -- Thanks for the encouragement, I appreciate it.