Sunday, February 23, 2014


Not a day goes by without its moments when I marvel at what's happening. I know I will marvel even more when the baby's here -- though when Rahul arrived I spent most of my time wondering wtf but that's another story and that was him... for today, for now, I look at my body and contemplate the single, impossible thought that I'm growing a baby inside me as only I can.

I'm not an advocate for motherhood for all but I do believe that unless you've known this feeling you don't know the first thing about it. Yes, it's something akin to the creation of a piece of art, but not quite. It's a little bit like nurturing your business and watching it grow, but it's not exactly the same. It's a lot like caring for your nieces and nephews and loving them so much that your heart breaks as they grow up and grow away -- but that's more like the love of a parent. This feeling, this daily, hourly sense of wonder, of feeling all-powerful and unbelievably powerless all at once, this is something only a woman who has carried a child will know. The sense of being able to move mountains (hey, you're creating a human being, what's a mere mountain?) is constantly balanced by the knowledge that you have to eat right, act right, because the baby will take what it needs and when it's out, your body will be left depleted if you're not taking care of yourself. It's the sense of being the cocoon as well as feeling caged from within.

The baby has been kicking for some weeks now, light, fluttering movements. It kicked just now as I typed that sentence out. It stays quiet a lot though, and I'm not always aware of the little flutters. The other night, as Rahul lay down and started to lose himself to sleep, he reached out one little hand and gently patted my tummy. At his touch there was a little kick right where he patted, an immediate contact that was actually too fragile for him to feel. The baby kicked inside me all the way home last Tuesday, as I drove back from the class I teach. It was the strangest feeling, trying to stay aware of the traffic outside even as the wee one inside kept kicking for my attention. And yesterday, when I had a huge row with its father, it stayed quiet for hours altogether as I lay in bed and sniffled and its Dada, its big brother, came and consoled me.

This time around, pregnancy has induced in me an immense sense of well-being. I'm well aware I could be eating better, exercising more, keeping a better eye on my sugar levels, but nothing seems to matter very strongly. The world has reduced (mostly) to this charmed space where it's just the baby and me, delighting in the wonder of it all, delighting in each other. It looks like we're expecting a second-born who will be loved quite as much as the first -- and I didn't even know that was possible!


R's Mom said...

Sigh! thats such a wonderful post sure Rahul and the kiddo in tummy will be like the bestest of friends :)

dipali said...

Such a beautiful, magical post!

Gunjan said...

Hey ! Congratulations! When are you due? Best of luck.

Sue said...

R's Mom -- Thanks. I'm convinced Rahul is going to spoil his sibling and make any discipline impossible!

Dipali -- Thank you :)

Gunjan -- In July, thanks!