Friday, April 06, 2018

Twisted

I've grown up hearing my father describe me as a very 'twisted' girl. He didn't mean that in a derogatory sense, exactly, more to say that I can be very cunning and am not as innocent as I look or sound. It's the picture of me my entire clan carries till date, and I think my mother-in-law does too. Everything I say or do must have some deeper, hidden, twisted inner meaning, a suspicious innuendo, subtle mockery or some other such wisecrack that most people miss.

I'm not that person, though.

I can lie better than most and I can certainly manipulate people if I wish to, but these are two things I almost never consciously do. It's not because I am particularly saintly at heart, but I've been lied to and manipulated too often myself to casually do it to people who matter to me (and if they don't matter I don't see why I should waste so much effort).

My father's words did not particularly bother me most of my life but now in my thirties I don't see the person my family sees. I see me. Vulnerable, lonely me. If last year was all about carpe diem this year seems to be a daily reminder of how weak I am within, and how little I can afford to be so. Far from plotting or undermining others, I spend each day gathering my courage to last me till the night. It's a very self-centred way of life. I see the boys' needs, I try to meet them as well as I can, and I hope each day that I'll be able to do this all day. Nothing else registers. Not even V, my parents or my brother. Sometimes I reach out for a boost, a friendly voice, my mother's support on the phone, whatever helps me regain my calm, and then I'm back to blindly doing the basic duties that keep my home going. I'm not living my best life, but nor is it my worst. 

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just to say hello!! I have been stalking your blog for probably 7-8 years now. Forced to de-lurk after reading your post today.

I get what you are saying. I think you've grown as a person..and you are not the person today you were 10 even 5 years ago. Unfortunately to the people closest to us we are painted in colors from decades ago and no matter how much you've changed as a person..its really hard to paint over those.

I call my thirties my lost decade of sorts...Its the decade that has forced me to reassess every value/every thought I have held dear..and in more ways than one I have changed as a person, in terms of my priorities and even how I deal with people.

I hope you can break out of the funk (having dealt with some version of the same funk last few years) its really hard especially when you have little people to look after and people closest to you sometimes cant see you are falling apart!

Sending you loads of happy thoughts!!

Sundara said...

This was very relatable to me as a mother to two young children .... I completely understand that feeling of seeking the stamina to last the day.

I don't know when or how this will change. Let's hope it does for all our sakes.

Thinking Cramps said...

Sunayana! A big hug. I know you have friends close at hand and family too, but IF you ever think talking to an objective well-wisher (is that an oxymoron) might help, you know where to find me! Love to you and the boys!