Wednesday, February 07, 2018

The year ahead

It's February and I am finally gathering the courage to say, I'm scared. I'm terribly scared of what the months will bring. I don't think I was a particularly fearful person till now. I used to worry a lot, but there was a certain conviction, a defiance if you will, that I could take whatever life threw at me. I called myself a survivor and held on to that word when I had nothing else. Now... I don't know that any more. What if I can't last? When will a straw be the last one and I retreat into myself and can never find my way back out?

I'm scared this will be the year I finally lose my father.

I'm scared the year will be even harder for my brother than the last.

I'm terribly scared that this year my mother will discover the limits of her strength and then who will I draw my own strength from?

I'm worried about Rahul but not scared for him. He has the resilience of an eleven year-old and his father by his side.

I'm not looking forward to Beni starting school but perhaps he will love it and the choice will have been the right one.

Most of all I'm scared of myself. Last year I was restless and made choices I can't be at peace with but can't live without. Last year I drove myself into a breakdown trying to have it all. This year I want to live quietly and not draw too much attention to myself or do anything much but what if I forget to live safely and revert to type? I'm tired of pain. I'm terribly scared of hurting.

How does a coward live? Should a coward live?