Sunday, September 17, 2017

It's early in the morning

And I woke up before dawn, as happens when I sleep at a decent hour, unfortunately. I thought I'd work but instead I stayed up listening to music and wondering, for millionth time, why things that should fill me with joy make me sad.

It saddens me to watch the boys grow. There was a time when I couldn't wait for Rahul to grow older, easier, less demanding, and now that he is, I fight the urge to cling on to him for my own selfish reasons. I get fed up that Beni needs me... but when he's playing quietly by himself I go find him and make my presence felt. When they come to tell me they love me, I revel in it, knowing it's vanishing even as I do.

I've been looking at my world as though it might vanish at any moment, hating it fiercely for existing so differently from how I'd wanted it, and holding on desperately to every part of it because I built it and it's mine.

Now I'll go watch the unrelenting rain. My thoughts can remain in my head. Not everything always needs to be written down.

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