Friday, April 14, 2017

A Holiday

I've been boring the ears off anybody who listens about how I want a holiday. Truth is, the four of us haven't been anywhere without family since, well, ever. We haven't been on a holiday since Beni was born. We did have a trip to Nepal over winter, which my uncle and aunt made very memorable, but it wasn't us four.

And all our attempts have been so jinxed! Coming to Bangalore I was very optimistic because there are so many lovely weekend getaways nearby, but soon after our arrival Ally broke down very badly. She broke down in spectacular fashion while we were driving to a little resort for Rahul's ninth birthday. The engine froze in a tiny town and since none of us speak or understand Kannada, the situation was rather fraught. We got her back to town after a fashion and for the longest time afterwards she was only just able to survive short trips around town. Recently though we seem to have found a good mechanic, somebody who has been able to restore her to what feels like her old self. We promptly booked an Airbnb in Pondicherry for this weekend. And then first I and then the boys fell ill, and ultimately Vicky did too. So that was cancelled.

So here I am, letting this longing go. It's not that important. It'll happen when it does. We live in a lovely little place with our own gardens and access to sports and a pool, which if you think about it, is almost a resort. (All that's missing is room service lol!)

I've also been wondering why I want a holiday so badly. What do I want from it? The answers are a little unnerving. I want to stop being so tired, so burnt out. I'm burnt out all the time. I recover and promptly burn out again. I haven't read a book in weeks or touched my crochet or knitting for more than 10 minutes -- because I can't focus. I fall asleep at odd times and then stay awake at night. I want a hard re-set. To stop, sleep, wake up and start again. This time a little slower, less resentfully, more lovingly. Trying to work from home with two kids is exhausting me this summer, even as I enjoy having them around. I am exhausted juggling so many balls and constantly watching one or another fall because I'm too exhausted to keep them all up in the air. I want to do better than this. And ok, a holiday won't wave a magic wand and make that happen. I accept that.

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