Thursday, October 17, 2013

Secrets

"Insidiously, the new information disrupts their sense of their own past, undermining the veracity of their personal history."

I find a lot of helpful things on Facebook. Tonight I found this.

I don't know if it's a subject that has any personal meaning for you, but it does for me. It's been so many months now and I still don't know what to trust, what to lean on, where to lay my worried head in peace. Yes, things are better and things are sweeter and things are altogether more positive, but I still wake up feeling unsettled. My dreams are strange, meaningless and worrying. My thoughts are pointless, no longer anchored by any fixed belief in anybody beyond Rahul, and I should be his strength, not the other way around.

Yesterday evening I was tired and thin-skinned and took hurt at something that wasn't meant to hurt. Even as I tried not to give in to the sadness and self-doubt, I realised I am still not as strong as I need to be. I feel like a convalescent these days. On my way to recovery but not out of the woods. And yet, how often have I said just that about myself these last few years only to sink back into that old trap of lies and omissions?

1 comment:

dipali said...

Big fat hugs, Sue.