Wednesday, December 05, 2012

The last two days

I've been feeling very brittle. Like I dare not stand too close to other people.

I have been extraordinarily productive though.

An unexpected conversation set the seal, sort of, on this brittleness. I thought it was a happy partnership, but it wasn't. They aren't even together any more.

...

A bad habit I have got into this year is that of comparing my marriage to others I see. Even when I do know better. Well, I have decided to do so no longer, no least because what's left to compare? Maybe others just put up a better show or have learnt to negotiate better or do whatever it is that works for them.

However, I am not any of these women and I have certainly not married anybody like their husbands. So no more comparisons. My story is mine alone and since I'm not comparing, I am free to script it my way.

...

A few times these last two days I wondered if I dared hope of anything beyond a lifetime of loneliness ahead of me. Today I find my boundless optimism reasserting itself in a most alarming sort of way.

[For the future me who will read this and wonder what it was all about and wish I had been a lot less cryptic -- It is December 2012 and I'm smack bang in the middle of Ciudades Paralelas.]

4 comments:

diatriblog said...

I completely agree with your post. Almost all couples have their problems, but present a facade in front of other people. It isn't fair to compare a marriage with others as you'd never know what the reality is!

Hope you get out of your gloom very soon :)

ummon said...

What you write and how you feel more or less reflects my state of mind now (check this: http://ummon.wordpress.com/2011/05/14/a-dozen-years-of-wedded-wth-happy-anniversary-to-me/)
But I am never as honest as you are in your blog, I still have pretences to keep.
Last week though I dragged my husband to an Imago couples workshop. It gives you better communication tools and coping mechanisms.
I don't know if this is going to be effective, but it's an attempt worth taking.
Good luck.

Sunita said...

You are quite upfront and honest about it Sue.
Comparing my marriage to my friends marriage is useless since I insist on a lot of things even if the jingbang find it untraditional and are eating my husband's ear off. I am just not traditional. I would never make some of the decisions my friends make to keep a marriage going without arguments because I would probably not be able to deal with myself after that. I rather prefer the arguments and do the thing I can keep peace with than give in to keeping peace with an elephant in the room forever.
A friend of mine was suppose to help her sis out in the hospital during her delivery, especially at night. They lost their mother long back and her sis had no help from her in-laws. When her sis got admitted, my friend's hubby and family created a ruckus. She didnt go and could see the baby only after 2 days.
I try and pick my battles but I should be able to live with the decisions I make.

Rohini said...

I like the cheery ending to the post. Hugs. Boundless optimism is a good thing.