Tuesday, June 05, 2012

It's June

Was it only six months ago that I congratulated myself on how far Vicky and I had come? We had -- have -- because we do deal better today than ever before. I have begun to accept certain things about him even as I continue to protest them:

1. His lack of any tangible support towards any lasting career of mine. I have his permission to work but not much backup.

2. His utter self-centredness when it comes to household matters. Learning to accept this home truth has made every chore and errand that he runs without prompting, a huge bonus.

3. His lack of interest in what I do or who I do it with. It gets lonely in this marriage but yes, it beats having to answer to him for everything I do.

There are other aspects but these will do for now. I list them out because I've really worked on this stuff all this year.

It's been such an uphill climb. Not accepting this stuff about him although that was not easy either, but trying to reach beyond the resentment and, well, some degree of pure hatred, that recent decisions of his incited in me.

Mostly I try to focus on the good things about him. The other day, after I don't know, some years perhaps, I chose to focus on the circumstances under which he and I got together. I suppose I should be grateful to him because if he had not been there I would have been so utterly lost that, well, if you've ever gone through my archives or knew me in those days, you would know that the woman I was to become was almost drowned in the pain of that girl. But he was there. He was my island of calm and strength.

I'll be thirty in a month. One of the things that I think I have explored fairly deeply and need to now discard is neediness. The less I need him the more he appreciates me. The better I hide it the stronger I appear. With me, to do is to eventually be so hopefully my 30s will be enjoyed by a more independent me. I cannot change the circumstances of my life but I have decided that I can choose to be the person I want to be.

Do you know who I want to be? I'm not precisely sure but I'm fairly I will no longer cry and I will no longer beg. If I do, I will remind myself that I owe my future better than that.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about turning 30. This is one of those posts.


CW said...

Can I just say that you're on the right path? Having been there-done that, I know how difficult it is to move past the resentment and frustration to acceptance, but I think the leap is important. Most of all, to preserve one's sanity.

"I cannot change the circumstances of my life but I have decided that I can choose to be the person I want to be."
Touche. I wish I didn't have to hit the 30s to realise, and act upon it, but it really is better late than never.

Rohini said...

"The less I need him the more he appreciates me."

So true. And apply to most relationships, not just marital ones.


Anonymous said...

Not so much the 3 points you listed, but this sentence that makes me say, me too: It gets lonely in this marriage but yes, it beats having to answer to him for everything I do. I actually had to get some professional help to come to terms with the nature of my marriage.
This is such an honest, and even in this circumstance, a lovely post.
Happy 30. It does get better as you get older.

George J said...

OMGGGGGGGGoD.....if your turning 30....that means im turnig 30..too

regarding your post,
does your H read your posts? Does he know you feel this way.
- Do you think it has something to do with a personality type Vs a cultural thing (Indian Man = Work, Indian woman = not work)

Teesu (very very Indian, very very good) said...

"One of the things that I think I have explored fairly deeply and need to now discard is neediness".Profound. Kindred souls are we. Needed to read this. Thirties IS...interesting. It's when you may well come home to you. Am still enroute, though well past thirty! But we need to get there. Wherever it is.

Banno said...

Sue, I wish you all the best in your journey towards acceptance. Resentment in one form or another, does creep into any relationship and it's hard to circumvent it. Staying focused on the good bits, like you've been doing, does help. You also have a lot of courage as is evident by this post, to see you through.

Preeti Aghalayam aka kbpm said...

Wow! Awesomely put.

The thirties are definitely fun, I can assure you, & I will be sad to leave them behind!

Lazybirdie said...

All the very best Sue! It was heartening and enlightening reading this post... I've been struggling on a somewhat similar ground. But what I find difficult to reconcile myself to is the acceptance and the negation of neediness bit: didn't I marry the person precisely because I NEEDED him in my life? At all times? And acceptance - a woman does a lousy job of raising a son, and his wife is supposed to put up with it without a shred of resistance, even though she herself is expected to change and adjust? I don't want this to become a rant, but from what I've experienced marriage seems to be a test of endurance - how good a wife you are is decided by the level of emotional repression and trauma you can put up with. Doomed to beg and cry just because you happened to fall in love.
I feel gagged-up and puke-y just thinking about it. I'm trying to scale the wall, and your blog is such a fount of strength. Thank you! For being so honest and brave.

Anonymous said...

Not married, not yet thirty but single or not, life (and men) teach one those lessons. All that self help talk which is utter balderdash when we are breezing along in our late teens and early twenties makes a lot more sense as we grow older. Its really weird but the truth is as soon as I stop needing you, I have you at will. The world is weird.


dipali said...

Here's to a stronger, happier, "unneedier" you! Rock yout thirties, Sue. It only gets easier, mostly, once you see them as they are and not as you imagine/want 'em to be.

Sue said...

CW, Ummon -- Still mid-leap but thanks for the encouragement.

Ro -- Rahul's going to do this to me too, won't he? :(

George -- LOL So you are, turning 30 I mean. Vicky used to read this blog, but I don't think he bothers much these days. I don't really know. As for the cultural thing, you tell me. You're the Indian Man, I'm not!

Teesu -- Really? I like the idea of coming home to me.

Banno -- My courage fails me a lot. But in his own way, Vicky gives me a great deal of strength, as does Rahul. You know what I mean, I'm sure.

Kenny -- I have high hopes of my 30s. :D

Lazybirdie -- Two things:
1. There's need and there's neediness. I need Vicky but I do not need to have him in every part of my life at all times. See the difference? I don't even need to tell him everything every time.

2. We fall in love with people who are basically good human beings. I'm trying to keep that thought foremost. Also, that he has to live with me and all the things that he does not like about me. He does not threaten to leave me every other hour. He does not even expect me to change my ways.

I hope that helps. All the best.

Anon -- True words. :) I wish you'd given me a name to call you by, it's more friendly-like that way.

Dipali -- Thanks :D It helps greatly to be able to talk things through with wonderful friends. *hugs*