Thursday, March 08, 2012


Like I said, I have my good days and I have my bad but the one thing that one can pretty much bet money upon is that the bad is followed by the good. At my sulkiest I will burst out laughing at a funny piece of writing or make a joke despite my mood.

This is a good thing, of course, this eternal optimism, because even though I know quite well to the contrary, I continue to have a glimmer of hope that perhaps my will will prevail (it hasn't, in any major decision), that I will not have to take the first step (I always have to take the first step), that things will inexplicably fix themselves given enough time and distance.

There are times, quite a lot of them, when my very optimism exasperates me. I would like to hold on to a grudge, for example. I rarely if ever do. What has happened on a handful of occasions is that one day I wake up having achieved emotional distance (as happened with my brother, with my mother-in-law, with B) and after that their actions matter little if at all. But I don't hold a grudge against them and I rarely bitch about them once I reach this stage. I'm matter of fact, factual and quite honest about why I'm not interested in them any longer. I think they call this closure although I could of course be wrong. Maybe they call this giving up or coming to your senses or finally accepting that some relationships are just not meant to be.

But I think it would be nice to sulk for days or hold a grudge for years (to my consternation I frequently forget why I stopped talking to So-and-so). I would like to wallow in my grief for extended periods of time. I would like to rave and rant and have a real session of existentialist angst.

Instead, I forget I'm upset and catch myself laughing. You'd think this is a good thing but sometimes (just sometimes) it's bloody annoying.