Thursday, March 01, 2012

Many 'Me's

Every day, every single day, something I do or think or notice makes a part of me shrug or sigh or laugh or wonder at how I've gone back to being the straightlaced kid that first came to Cal twelve years ago. I have explored other worlds, enjoyed myself exploring, and am now back in this mould -- by choice.

Other times, in those same days, the other sides of me get uppermost, some fretting at this life I lead, some wistful about parallel lives long abandoned, work I never did, texts I never studied, people I was supposed to meet and never somehow did. Sometimes a part of me scolds, trying to pull me out of this almost complacent inertia that is my life today, telling me that I am young and worlds await my conquering.

I have a request, odd as it sounds. I find blogging very difficult these days since so many of my regular readers are now friends and aquaintances with whom I interact off-blog too. So yes, this request is for you. If my posts are unhappy or disturb you, please let it pass. Do not mail me or call me or ask me what it means, if I'm OK. I'm not OK, not even remotely close to being OK and I haven't the faintest idea when I will be OK. But if you ask I shall find myself answering you brightly that yes, I'm fine, really, don't worry, that post was just a mood, it has passed. That will be another me, a public me, put on show, and you don't like it any more than I do.

This mood has not passed, is not passing and I am struggling with it most days. When I'm fine I'm sure it'll show. Till then, I cannot answer your questions honestly. And I may just, for a while, switch off comments on certain posts. Thank you for your discretion.

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