Thursday, April 28, 2011

Intimacy

I've been discussing marriage and relationships with the girls and it made me relive some beautifully nostalgic moments in my own life.

You know the best part about being married? How Vicky and I keep making more such memories. Isn't that what a long-term relationship is all about?

I also think part of the sweetness in my relationships has come from the hesitation. The unwillingness to reveal every aspect of my being right from the start. Am I secretive? Not at all. I am if anything insistent on complete honesty, it's a lesson well learnt from my first boyfriend. But I like the process of discovery, of being discovered, so to speak. Even today when Vicky and I usually know each other well enough to predict reactions, I like talking to him because his attitude to events adds something to my own experience of them. That's what I mean about discovery. There's something new all the time. I like predictability but I like newness too.

M4 said the other day that we should marry friends. That's what I did. I married a boy I'd known for some years and known only as a friend for most of that time. He had seen me at my worst and thus could appreciate my best. These things matter. I laughed and teased him at our wedding because I knew this man, under his groom's guise, his smile was the smile of a friend. This is why it was so important to me that my wedding look stayed simple, that I looked like the woman he had fallen in love with. I needed to reassure myself that the wedding ceremony was not conducted between two strangers. If I had met him through a family arrangement -- difficult as it is to imagine that! -- I would have wanted to be his friend before all else. I don't think friendship is marriage, but I think it should be one of the strongest factors when you are entering into a marriage.

Sometimes when I see women I care about getting hurt, I wish I could explain to at least one of them that taking it slow helps. Take it slow, give yourself time to get used to this new person, give him time to get used to you. Attraction, societal sanction, those are just the first steps. But let him open up to you. Should this work out, there is all the time in the world for you to open up to him.

10 comments:

hack said...

I agree with the last paragraph of your post. Giving it time has been rewarding, for the most part.

RS said...

Hey! I married my friend too! :-) And I realise that there are so many things that are just there/ understood between us only when I see other couples trying to adjust and communicate...

Sometimes I also feel that maybe I should have gone through the whole process of 'seeing a guy' - just for the experience :-)

dipali said...

So sweet and tender, and such good advice!

Sue said...

Hack -- Yes, for the most part it usually is. :)

RS -- Yikes, be careful what you wish for. It is a horrible experience even for somebody like like me to sit and watch.

Dipali -- I was in one my sweet and tender moods. ;)

dipali said...

I shall be very restrained and not say anything!

Sue said...

Dipali -- Think female toucan singing Girl from Ipanema... ;)

R's Mom said...

Wow..thats a read! Giving time is definitely important..

eve's lungs said...

You're so right about marrying a friend . Ashis and I were friends for a long time and then we decided to get married .Made life so much easier beacsuse we knew each other so well by then

Sands said...

I commented a few days back and figured blogger sent it to no man's land :( Interesting post. To give you a different flavor, I married a guy who I met for the first time 20 days before our wedding. We were engaged for 6 months prior to that and exchanged letters/phone calls a few times during that time. 17 years later we are best friends and there is nothing I cannot share with him. The one thing I feel that has helped our relationship is being able to retain our individuality and both people in the relationship respecting that freedom in each other :)

Sue said...

R's Mom -- Yes indeed.

Evie -- Hm. There is friends and there are the two of you being scandalous. I think I'm still shocked. *looks severe*

Sands -- Sorry, never got your earlier comment. You know, I have the highest respect for arranged marriages. I also feel -- and of course this is a personal opinion -- that arranged marriages sometimes start off on a better foot because both the partners are prepared to compromise and adjust because they know they will have to. Love marriages can be a bit harder on the system as girlfriends and boyfriends mysteriously morph into wives and husbands!

Anyway, god bless you two, may you always be such great friends. :)