Sunday, December 05, 2010

This feels unaccustomed...

I know it's not been that long since my last post, but my life took an abrupt turnaround in that cute way it has, and, well, I'm still coming to terms with the changes.

On November 30, you see, my agency and I parted ways and it was a couple of months earlier than I planned to. This should have been a great development in theory because this is the holiday/party season, I have friends coming to town next weekend, other festivities on the cards and I have a great many baking and sewing projects lined up. In theory, the extra time is delightfully welcome.

In reality however, I find myself waking up in the mornings with my usual sense of urgency and it is somewhat deflating to find that I do not need to complete my chores before 10 am or that I will not need to find myself clothes that coordinate or... you get the drift. Ma and I went shopping at New Market on Friday and I wore a kurta with jeans, pinned on matching earrings and then -- just because I could -- I added completely mismatching shoes and handbag. The sense of freedom was sporadic and I kept feeling awkwardly dressed, which, indeed, I was!

I cooked a hot lunch for two days and drifted off to sleep on the others. My baking projects were filed away this morning because I won't have the time this week and I strongly suspect that I was starting to get depressed. After all, I worked for two years exactly at this place and although I had planned to leave because I couldn't cope any more with all the juggling and also I wasn't feeling motivated by the work any longer -- Sujatha, now you know why I was so interested in that article you posted -- the fact remained that mentally I simply wasn't prepared yet to stop working. The good news though is that the week ahead promises to keep me far too busy to allow myself to welter in a half-understood morass of self-pity.

The odd thing was, I really had expected Vicky to understand my confusion. After all, he has made the switch twice before, and he knows the pros and cons of shifting from an office environment to working out of home quite as well as I do. But this wasn't his week to do the whole understanding husband thing. He was his usual self and at times like this, that wasn't enough. Or, maybe, I'm just being even more demanding than usual? But if I don't demand from him, who should I turn to? My father, retired six months ago, knew how I felt and that was comforting.

I have some writing I need to send in, both pieces have been waiting for a month. I do have a lot of time to spend with the boy. There are a lot of things to do and given that I spent much of last week catching up on my sleep deficit, I will perhaps feel more sorted out. I just need to stop feeling that my 'weekend' is ending and I need to hurry, hurry to finish the laundry, clean out the flat etc etc ad nauseam.

I could go back and edit this post, you know. Make the changes to suggest that I'm loving this life already and have loved it from the first minute. That the boys welcomed me back home with open arms. (Rahul did, Vicky, for understandable reasons, did not!) But this is an exercise in banishing my demons by naming them, something I haven't done here in a long while. So I'll let the post stay. Happier ones are in the pipeline. You can just sit back and wait awhile. I'm sort of 'netless, and no doubt that is rubbing in the change harder than necessary. I mean, my laptop no longer connects to our router and using the Mac usually means Vicky sitting around glowering until he gets it back (now you know why he didn't want me back home!) so my time online is somewhat limited. I'm slowly slipping into a routine though, so it won't be very long.

14 comments:

Aneela Z said...

arhaan commiserates...he had been dangling a rubber band over the balcony all morning and it finally slipped through his fingers, Inconsolable...he says he understands exactly what you are going through.

Anonymous said...

kind of jet lag phase...reconfigure,refashion,redefine and breathe easy.
you ran,now crawl&cartwheel.

starry eyed said...

Loved the honesty in this post Sue...I guess every change brings mixed feelings. In between projects I feel an over whelming sense of relief and freedom...followed a couple of weeks later by snarling grumpily at my family because I'm now only all theirs...I start missing that part of myself that belongs only to the job.

Keep posting, whether happy or unhappy :)

Anonymous said...

I understand how you feel. I have recently been made redundant(15 out of 30 were asked to leave) and although my manager and the HR are doing their best to fit me into another role within the same company, somehow it feels distant. I feel uncomfortable going in for the meetings to discuss my options and the redundancy packets.I don't think its the financial side that I worry about, its really something that kept me on my toes and I loved that bit, but now that I have plenty of time to clean and cook, I feel lost and cranky. I have been lucky with the husband bit, he's been the most understanding and although he 'never' tries to help me in the housework or with the child, has been totally understanding and encouraging. So much so, that we've booked a holiday to get away from here, to recharge my batteries and be happy. As you said, its being ready for it that matters. I am not the kind who'll be happy to stay at home and be with the family, so I badly need to refocus my efforts on getting a new job. Time is a great healer and we both know we'll be fine - its the accepting this situation that'll need working on!

Rohini said...

Hugs!

You know you are going to love it. Just wait for it to kick in. Spidey should help, next week :)

Thinking Cramps said...

I know you know things will be fine. And I know they will. Take care! And thanks for always being so honest on this blog. Makes all of us question ourselves.

R's Mom said...

Enjoy the break and relax :)

Subhashree said...

Wow... lot of truth in your post... def I understand why Vicky didn't want you back :).. I'm sure you'll get settled soon, it'd have been difficult if you didn't have anything to do, but looks like you are loaded. Good, enjoy this phase and the holiday season.

Gayatri said...

- Hugs
- This too shall pass....
- enjoy the moment :)
- and whine while your at it :b
- Blog like you always do :D

Sue said...

Aneela -- Yes, there are many parallels between that and this. Also, the thought of Arhaan playing with a "raabbin" makes me smile. Thank you!

Anon -- Nap and cartwheel, you mean? :)

Starry -- True, some part of me belongs only to my work. Right now that part is on holiday until January!

Anon -- That sucks. I do hope you are happy in the new position, whatever it turns out to be.

P. S. Do leave a name, any name at all.

Ro -- Yes, I'm loving it much better this gray, rainy Monday when I didn't go in to work. And of course Spidey will make it all seem as it should! :D

Ana, R's Mom -- Thanks, you guys.

Subha -- LOL the man looked more alarmed than anything when it began to sink in, that I would be home 24/7.

Gayatri -- Thanks for the hugs and the encouragement!

kaichu said...

sunny!! reading this ajke. how are you now?! hugs to you and the boy.

GettingThereNow said...

Hugs. I can sort of identify with this post though, when I was laid off, it was more of a relief for me - things had come to such a stage at work for me then. This, too, shall pass.

The Orange Cat said...

It's so disorienting to read this post and the others, feel a gulp of familiarity that 'Hey, I know the places she's talking about!' and then realize it's all in my head.
Have a good time, a peaceful winter.

Sue said...

Kaichu -- I'm doing better now, thanks. Boy is OK too.

Cee -- It's a relief... also an emptiness I need to fill with other things.

Orange Cat -- Thanks, you too.