I know it's not been that long since my last post, but my life took an abrupt turnaround in that cute way it has, and, well, I'm still coming to terms with the changes.
On November 30, you see, my agency and I parted ways and it was a couple of months earlier than I planned to. This should have been a great development in theory because this is the holiday/party season, I have friends coming to town next weekend, other festivities on the cards and I have a great many baking and sewing projects lined up. In theory, the extra time is delightfully welcome.
In reality however, I find myself waking up in the mornings with my usual sense of urgency and it is somewhat deflating to find that I do not need to complete my chores before 10 am or that I will not need to find myself clothes that coordinate or... you get the drift. Ma and I went shopping at New Market on Friday and I wore a kurta with jeans, pinned on matching earrings and then -- just because I could -- I added completely mismatching shoes and handbag. The sense of freedom was sporadic and I kept feeling awkwardly dressed, which, indeed, I was!
I cooked a hot lunch for two days and drifted off to sleep on the others. My baking projects were filed away this morning because I won't have the time this week and I strongly suspect that I was starting to get depressed. After all, I worked for two years exactly at this place and although I had planned to leave because I couldn't cope any more with all the juggling and also I wasn't feeling motivated by the work any longer -- Sujatha, now you know why I was so interested in that article you posted -- the fact remained that mentally I simply wasn't prepared yet to stop working. The good news though is that the week ahead promises to keep me far too busy to allow myself to welter in a half-understood morass of self-pity.
The odd thing was, I really had expected Vicky to understand my confusion. After all, he has made the switch twice before, and he knows the pros and cons of shifting from an office environment to working out of home quite as well as I do. But this wasn't his week to do the whole understanding husband thing. He was his usual self and at times like this, that wasn't enough. Or, maybe, I'm just being even more demanding than usual? But if I don't demand from him, who should I turn to? My father, retired six months ago, knew how I felt and that was comforting.
I have some writing I need to send in, both pieces have been waiting for a month. I do have a lot of time to spend with the boy. There are a lot of things to do and given that I spent much of last week catching up on my sleep deficit, I will perhaps feel more sorted out. I just need to stop feeling that my 'weekend' is ending and I need to hurry, hurry to finish the laundry, clean out the flat etc etc ad nauseam.
I could go back and edit this post, you know. Make the changes to suggest that I'm loving this life already and have loved it from the first minute. That the boys welcomed me back home with open arms. (Rahul did, Vicky, for understandable reasons, did not!) But this is an exercise in banishing my demons by naming them, something I haven't done here in a long while. So I'll let the post stay. Happier ones are in the pipeline. You can just sit back and wait awhile. I'm sort of 'netless, and no doubt that is rubbing in the change harder than necessary. I mean, my laptop no longer connects to our router and using the Mac usually means Vicky sitting around glowering until he gets it back (now you know why he didn't want me back home!) so my time online is somewhat limited. I'm slowly slipping into a routine though, so it won't be very long.