Monday, February 15, 2010

Not a Grudge

Just a memory.

Vicky and I fought and he said something nasty, intending to hurt. And I suppose once he got that out, he was prepared to calm down.

But he said it and I heard myself read out other words. Words of blame nobody deserves to hear, not even me. And I turned on my heel and walked away. Leaving him cut and bleeding and in pain. The blood will clot, but my memories retain their edge. They cut the ground out from under me when I least expect them.

This is what I think: when you hurt somebody who matters to you, and I take it as given that if you love somebody you are bound to hurt them as only you can, then you need to make it your business to take it back or kiss it right or do whatever the hell it takes to make them believe it was the anger, not you. Because if you never take the trouble to do this, then such memories only strengthen their roots. They aren't grudges but they seem more destructive than a mere grudge which after all can one day be tossed away.


starry eyed said...

Oh yes...sometimes loves does mean saying you're sorry...and you're so right that we can hurt loved ones the hardest.

Gayatri said...

- True
_ M and I have had many fights and we still do
- Its strange men jus forget the whole episode
- I tend to memorise every single verbal attack and keep nourishing the weeds
- now I know its a 'woman' trait
- and sometimes a sorry is not jus enough.....:(

GettingThereNow said...

So true Sue!! I have been nursing some old hurts lately and so wish J would at least acknowledge them instead of lecturing me on how I can move forward. I know how to effing move forward!! I just want HIM to revisit the hurt once and see how it still affects me :(

Sue said...

Starry -- It's all that he can't say. Years gone by and still words don't come easily.


Gayatri -- I don't think it's a woman trait, actually. Perhaps the perception of pain is a woman thing but again, I wouldn't like to think so. I've known some very perceptive men. Funny how I didn't marry any of them!

Cee -- Exactly. An acknowledgement would suffice. Why is that too much to ask for?

Mama - Mia said...

true true true.

in our case sorry doesnt come easily to me, but then i rarely let out biting words and mean stuff. he does and he says sorry for it.

thankfully i have a an ability to let go. mostly i forget. but yes the ones that went reallly deep keep surfacing at random times. like when i read this post! sigh!

Casuarina said...

You're so right...not taking the trouble to make up or make amends as soon as I can begin to think straight once again does seem to hurt me more than the person at whom I had let go, even if it had been under considerable provocation.

Saying 'sorry' makes everyone involved a winner, that's for sure.

Sue said...

Abha -- It's the surfacing at random times that is so hard to take, isn't it.? :(

Casuarina -- Yep.