Thursday, August 27, 2009

Why were you sobbing, you silly girl?

I was just feeling blue.
The way you do.
When it all gets to you.

My first poem in some six years. Maybe I should stick to prose!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Heh


Click to enlarge.

I want to stop comparing myself to a mean, fat, orange cat. But damn, it's hard.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Four Nights and Five Days (Meals Included)

The days are flying by. Full days at work, no maid, family and friends visiting, so much so fast.

Rahul’s almost entirely grown up on me. Vicky is holding on hard to the last of the childishness but I find myself withdrawing. More and more I draw away and watch them from a distance. I don’t know why. I don’t think I feel excluded as such. Would it have been different if I’d had a daughter? Or is this just an office parent vs home parent thing?

He spends a lot of time at Mejopishi’s now. I had thought maybe he would fret now that Cousin J’s left for Uni but he’s happy there. M’pishi spoils him silly and he is happy enough. I am around him for an hour or two in the evenings and this way, I don’t see him much over the weekends. Even this isn’t bothering me quite so much any more. He is now doing much what Dada and I used to – decamp to other homes at the drop of a hat. I don’t think this harmed our relationship with our parents and I do appreciate being able to do the housework without little feet getting in the way.

He’ll be three in a month’s time and this birthday, I’m ready. I’ve been ready for a three year old for a while. This year, I didn’t pick out his birthday party clothes six months ago. I haven’t got a guest list prepared and I don’t even have a theme. Just a cake and the goody bag fillings for his classmates. Got some fun stuff from Starmark yesterday. God knows I've never been an OTT mum in these things but I can see myself handing him some cash by his twelfth birthday and asking him to take his friends out on his own!

Thursday night I worked late, till 5 am, on a freelance project. I don’t know why I work so slowly at night. And how I can let myself get distracted so easily when I know I’ll pay for it the next day.

On Friday I hurried home as soon as I could. Rahul had gone off to Mejopishi’s and I hurriedly did some dishes and went off to meet Dipali at Woodlands. She’s broken her arm and was in bed looking wan and most un-Dipali-ish. After a good half an hour of gossip, I felt much better and didn’t scold her after all for scaring me half to death. Hurried back home, hurried through a sambar recipe (it turned out inedible because of me hurriedly throwing in about four times as much spice as was needed), hurried into a black mini and silver heels and hurried to Roxy to catch Dhruv do a stand up comic act.

BTW, if Dhruv Mookerji tours your city, I suggest you go catch him. He’s good. His act can do with polishing, but he’s really good. I had the laughingest hour at Roxy that night.

After that Sumit took Dana, Shuki, Priya and me to have ice cream (cake for me) at Mama Mia. Then we girls drove around and landed up at Priya’s place for a couple of hours gossip. Home at 2.

Saturday was spent at office so I missed Bertie’s show. Got home late. Had a warm bath (so soothing) and then Vicky and I had a quick bite at the Food Court in South City before going to watch GI Joe. Not bad fun. Vicky and I went to Pepper Chino for an ice cream afterwards. Most disappointing. The sundaes were tasty (very little choice though) but there was a rat around and they didn’t take cards and some little boy tried to gyp us into paying parking fees. He was in cahoots with the restaurant people, seemingly.

Sunday I slept in till about half past nine. Then I tackled the cleaning, the laundry, the tidying. It had just piled on all week. Nilu and Shoma came to lunch bringing some ilish and that’s what we ate. Rice with ilish mach bhaja and ghee and the frying oil. I went out for a bit to pick up some blouses and petticoats for Mashi from Gariahat (Sarada is my place, where do you buy yours?) but came back soon. Vicky went to pick Rahul up sometime after 5.

By 6.30 or so Anindya and Ruma joined us. It was fun, all of us sitting around chatting. Some time after 7 I started on the biriyani. It turned out rather nice, even if I do say so myself. Everybody was very complimentary about it and Vicky gamely finished the leftovers at the end of the meal. Rahul, of course, didn’t like it. We gave him a cup of ‘Owleeksh (Horlicks) instead. We do that a lot these days rather than fight with him to eat something he doesn’t want to. We all went out and got some paan and then the party broke up.

I went to bed late anyway. Spent two hours on the phone to Ma talking of I’m no longer quite sure what.

Monday started off all chirpy. Mad rush in the Metro. The new extensions added to old infrastructure added to officials who insist on only keeping two ticket counters open anywhere mean huge crowds. I wore Vicky’s brown cord shirt as a jacket to work. I feel the very slight nip in the air. Must be my southern blood.

Hurried home in the evening, hurried to meet Krishnamashi at the nursing home before visiting hours ended and took Rahul for a haircut afterwards. He really hates them, poor kid. These are the two things Vicky refuses to do: clip nails and take him for a haircut. I suppose it could be worse. Bought him ice cream afterwards. And then walked into SC to wash our hands and didn’t find our way out for another couple of hours!

We looked around for birthday gifts but nothing seemed to catch our fancy. Vicky asked him to choose something he liked, and he kept repeating it to himself, “Ami konta nebo, amar konta chai?” (Which one shall I take, which one do I want?) but didn’t really choose anything except for a Zoozoo figurine which I didn’t buy because it had “love” written very tackily over its chest. Vicky tells me there were others, unmarked ones, so I may just get him one of those later. We had dinner at the Food Court, contrary to earlier plans.

Another late night as I sat up sewing little bedsheets for his new toddler bed. We’ve cannibalised the pullout section of Cousin J’s bed to make a low little bed and I’ve been meaning to stitch him sheets to size for nearly a month now. I cut up an ancient sheet of ours to make two for him. So much more sewing waiting for me. And now it’s Tuesday evening. Tonight I intend to go to bed early!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

A Resolute Return

Last month I felt I needed some time to think things over. More specifically, to think over my blogging ethics. Vicky said something which he may or may not have meant the way I took it, but it did make me endlessly question my own blogging rules.

A rock and a hard place doesn’t begin to describe the feeling. When you want to write but you can’t. Not because somebody has stopped you but because you can’t. It’s a thousand silences clamouring for expression.

And now that I’m back, I realise I’m at the beginning of yet another epoch in my blogging life. Since my marriage I have maintained that my blog would be answerable only to Vicky. Rahul doesn’t really come into it because I don’t blog about him so much. I have always said – and said it in all sincerity – that Vicky is the only person in the world who has the right to make me take a post down or even censor something I would otherwise publish.

I’m no longer saying that. For a month I have tried to blog without mentioning him or our life together and I couldn’t. I’m not a tech writer or a mommy blogger or an interior decorator or a culture vulture. What I write about is my own life, and it’s impossible to write of my life without writing of Vicky. And I’ve come to realise that if I accept his censoring – not that he has asked me to change or delete anything – then I resent him for it. In fact, the only censoring I take, like in all other aspects of my life, is my own self-imposed code.

I feel strangely free after coming to this decision. There were so many things I tied to Vicky or his approval on marrying him and slowly, I have been detaching these associations. Again, in all fairness, these were not codes Vicky indicated he wanted or asked for, so it wasn’t fair to him either, to impose something on myself and then resent him for it. It’s not easy, but with each of these little steps I feel more like the woman I wanted to be. Clinginess is simply not my forte.

So that, in a nutshell, is why I was away. No, as you can see, I did not go private. That was just Blogger’s default message. I did go on a weekend trip to Madras to meet the girls. I have also been very busy with work, friends and family. Beq (and Debo and Tina and Sandeep and Sen) came to town so a lot of evenings flew by. Cousin J flew the coop and promptly picked up a bug in Manipal (the silly twit) so that took care of a lot of time too. We had to go register Ally at Asansol. It’s been a mad, mad month. About the right kind of month to take a very sane decision.

In which you catch me preening

Click to enlarge.


Although, in all honesty, this reminds me even more of Beq than it does of myself!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

FYI

I am just as cute and interesting as you were probably wondering. And I hope you have a nice day too.

:)

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Sorry, I've been meaning to open Sunny Days for some time now, just never got around to it. The blog's open, but I suppose it will take me a little while longer to post. I don't feel like blogging yet.