Last month I felt I needed some time to think things over. More specifically, to think over my blogging ethics. Vicky said something which he may or may not have meant the way I took it, but it did make me endlessly question my own blogging rules.
A rock and a hard place doesn’t begin to describe the feeling. When you want to write but you can’t. Not because somebody has stopped you but because you can’t. It’s a thousand silences clamouring for expression.
And now that I’m back, I realise I’m at the beginning of yet another epoch in my blogging life. Since my marriage I have maintained that my blog would be answerable only to Vicky. Rahul doesn’t really come into it because I don’t blog about him so much. I have always said – and said it in all sincerity – that Vicky is the only person in the world who has the right to make me take a post down or even censor something I would otherwise publish.
I’m no longer saying that. For a month I have tried to blog without mentioning him or our life together and I couldn’t. I’m not a tech writer or a mommy blogger or an interior decorator or a culture vulture. What I write about is my own life, and it’s impossible to write of my life without writing of Vicky. And I’ve come to realise that if I accept his censoring – not that he has asked me to change or delete anything – then I resent him for it. In fact, the only censoring I take, like in all other aspects of my life, is my own self-imposed code.
I feel strangely free after coming to this decision. There were so many things I tied to Vicky or his approval on marrying him and slowly, I have been detaching these associations. Again, in all fairness, these were not codes Vicky indicated he wanted or asked for, so it wasn’t fair to him either, to impose something on myself and then resent him for it. It’s not easy, but with each of these little steps I feel more like the woman I wanted to be. Clinginess is simply not my forte.
So that, in a nutshell, is why I was away. No, as you can see, I did not go private. That was just Blogger’s default message. I did go on a weekend trip to Madras to meet the girls. I have also been very busy with work, friends and family. Beq (and Debo and Tina and Sandeep and Sen) came to town so a lot of evenings flew by. Cousin J flew the coop and promptly picked up a bug in Manipal (the silly twit) so that took care of a lot of time too. We had to go register Ally at Asansol. It’s been a mad, mad month. About the right kind of month to take a very sane decision.