Thursday, August 20, 2009

A Resolute Return

Last month I felt I needed some time to think things over. More specifically, to think over my blogging ethics. Vicky said something which he may or may not have meant the way I took it, but it did make me endlessly question my own blogging rules.

A rock and a hard place doesn’t begin to describe the feeling. When you want to write but you can’t. Not because somebody has stopped you but because you can’t. It’s a thousand silences clamouring for expression.

And now that I’m back, I realise I’m at the beginning of yet another epoch in my blogging life. Since my marriage I have maintained that my blog would be answerable only to Vicky. Rahul doesn’t really come into it because I don’t blog about him so much. I have always said – and said it in all sincerity – that Vicky is the only person in the world who has the right to make me take a post down or even censor something I would otherwise publish.

I’m no longer saying that. For a month I have tried to blog without mentioning him or our life together and I couldn’t. I’m not a tech writer or a mommy blogger or an interior decorator or a culture vulture. What I write about is my own life, and it’s impossible to write of my life without writing of Vicky. And I’ve come to realise that if I accept his censoring – not that he has asked me to change or delete anything – then I resent him for it. In fact, the only censoring I take, like in all other aspects of my life, is my own self-imposed code.

I feel strangely free after coming to this decision. There were so many things I tied to Vicky or his approval on marrying him and slowly, I have been detaching these associations. Again, in all fairness, these were not codes Vicky indicated he wanted or asked for, so it wasn’t fair to him either, to impose something on myself and then resent him for it. It’s not easy, but with each of these little steps I feel more like the woman I wanted to be. Clinginess is simply not my forte.

So that, in a nutshell, is why I was away. No, as you can see, I did not go private. That was just Blogger’s default message. I did go on a weekend trip to Madras to meet the girls. I have also been very busy with work, friends and family. Beq (and Debo and Tina and Sandeep and Sen) came to town so a lot of evenings flew by. Cousin J flew the coop and promptly picked up a bug in Manipal (the silly twit) so that took care of a lot of time too. We had to go register Ally at Asansol. It’s been a mad, mad month. About the right kind of month to take a very sane decision.

18 comments:

Saya said...

Missed your writing. Good to have you back..

starry eyed said...

Nice one Sue...admire you for taking the break to figure it out.

I struggle with this too...and yes there is resentment at curtailing my 'creative' expression because I'm afraid of what he'll say or think. That smacks of co-dependency.

A self-imposed code makes sense...as long as we keep up the communication with our partners about what we're writing about...I'm saying that because at one point we had this big fight about how HE thought we weren't talking anymore and how HE thought I was 'talking' more on the blogosphere...until I pointed out that whenever I'd tried to talk, he would shut down on me...there's only so long I can keep up a monologue! He got that...some sort of a dialogue started off...and I continued blogging somewhat the way I want to. Ok, my comment is turning into an essay!

Enjoy your freedom:)

eve's lungs said...

hello :)

Rohini said...

Oh goody. Nice to have you back. And I love your comeback post too (the other two don't count).

Tina said...

Welcome back... :)

Poppins said...

Starry - we got to talk about this. I mean, seriously I had to go away a while too just for that. He just cannot figure out why I blog. And I can't either except that I like it.

Sue, good for you. So now we won't see posts about you and Vicky or will we.

Mamma mia! Me a mamma? said...

More power to you!

Mama - Mia said...

this one is l'il complicated for someone l'il d'oh comme moi. so i will just say its good to have you back.

i mean i do get what you are saying, but i still dont have any sorta reaction to it. not that you need one anywayz! :)

just keep writing, will ya?! :)

cheers!

Sue said...

Saya, Tina -- Thank you.

Starry-eyed -- I am enjoying it, thanks! What made it worse was that Vicky never complained exactly. You can't fight if there's no war declared.

Evie -- Hey :)

Ro -- Of course they count. :P

Popsicle -- I blog because I'm a blogger. In an earlier generation I'd have been a diaryist. You will see whatever post I feel like writing. That's the whole point of my resolution. I can't write about my life and keep him out of it!

M4 -- ;)

Abha -- It's not complicated at all. Simply re-drawing my blogging CoC. And yes, I'm keeping on writing. :)

Subhashree said...

Glad you are at peace with yourself.

beyond said...

good to see you back.missed you:)

Priya said...

hmm..its a tough desicion to make...i recently started blogging and i do feel a teeny bit guilty when i say things about hubby...but like u said when u blog about day to day stuff, u cannot possibly exclude hubby..

Casuarina said...

Am awfully glad you're back. Was beginning to miss my daily (well, almost) dose of 'Sunny Days' :-)

dipali said...

The Sue is back! Yayyyyyyyy:)

sole said...

I am sure we all go through this thought at some point or the other. But glad you are enjoying the new found freedom now..it takes a strong willed woman you know : )to be at peace with it!

Beq said...

So what's your code then?

the mad momma said...

glad you cleared that up. remember, the Oa did this to me last year and I didnt blog for all of - wait... FOUR DAYS!!

;) these mens!

Sue said...

Subha -- Yes, I am too!

Beyond -- Thank you. Appreciate you saying so.

Priya -- It's not so much exclusion as it is about what I write, I guess. But I find I'm not OK with even that being censored by anybody except me. How demanding. :)

Casuarina -- :)

Dipali -- Yayyy!

Sole -- Strong-willed is my middle name. ;)

Beq -- That I write what I want. Probably make no diff to the posts you read but it makes a huge diff to the ones I write.

MM -- These mens. :D