Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Intolerance

If you were to ask me, I'd normally say I'm a far less judgmental person today than I was, say, five years ago. That I'm willing to listen to an opposing point of view, and be content to let the other person believe in something that I may consider downright wrong. Closer home, I'd have thought that Vicky and I were getting used to each other. Still bickering over differences, but reconciled to being different.

And now, I'm not so sure that I've changed much, after all. There is much that Vicky does that bothers me. How much I didn't realise until I left my household and child in his hands. I don't agree with many of his methods and I don't always agree with his judgment and I genuinely believe that by carelessness he has caused some serious damage between Rahul and me.

On the other hand -- and this is something I'm considering extremely reluctantly, almost under duress -- how important are these transgressions given the larger context of our lives? Rahul and I have our differences now and we've always had them. At worst Vicky merely catalysed a situation that was ripe for occurrence. Also, not all our fallouts have ever changed the understanding he and I have of each other, something that is beyond and set apart from the rest of the world. I am his mother and not all our fights will ever make me any different. Can I really blame Vicky for stepping on toes he didn't mean to tread?

Household chores are a relatively minor issue because I'm not really houseproud. We both would like to live in a home decorated with our cool stuff but since neither of us can be arsed to clean or maintain all this glory, we are comfortable living with dust and messiness. Yes, I would appreciate some proactiveness from his side, but I am also liable to abuse it, heaping more and more chores on him, so I do understand his wariness better than I confess.

What I have not been able to tolerate is the distance he puts between us without any explanation or contrition whenever he feels the need for a break. He does not physically walk away but for all the good he is to me, he may as well have. In fact, if he actually did walk away to return only when back to his normal self, there would be fewer bitter words said in this household. But I don't want a husband who walks away from me. Nor do I want one who is able to happily dispense with me and my part in his life at his convenience.

It leaves me at a crossroads. When he recovers his balance and comes looking for me, I'm no longer waiting for him. I stopped hoping he'd notice how lost I got myself. I stopped expecting him to hold me the nights I needed him the most. And worst of all, I stopped trusting in him to never let me go no matter what the provocation.

In a way, this lack of trust is in itself an intolerance, I'm coming to think. Intolerance of imperfection. Did I think I was marrying perfection, then? Surely not?

So if I can accept that he will need to walk away. That he won't be able to tell me when or why he needs to distance himself. That in those periods he will, to all intents and purposes, cease to be an active member of this household. If I can accept this hitherto unacceptable facet of our marriage, perhaps we shall both be happier for it. I cannot control my ungovernable temper, but surely I can learn to channel it better?

And with that, I let the grudge go.

10 comments:

dipali said...

Best thing to do with a grudge!
Early years are the toughest, methinks.

Subhashree said...

Hugs, Sue. Good, you are letting it go. Take care.

Mamma mia! Me a mamma? said...

Wow! I admire your wisdom and strength. It's been eight years for me and I'm nowhere as close as you!

Mama - Mia said...

i am always amazed at how clearly you think, though i may not always "get" what you are saying.

its amazing how you balance the mistakes/blame and can see from V's point of view too.

anyhoo. hope by letting this grudge go peace prevails and happier times invade your home! :)

and seriously Sue, can we damage our relationship with a 2 year something? i am seriously wondering because i dont remember anything about my relationship with my parents till i was about 7, me thinks!

or is it because they were perfect as parents that i dont have anything worth remembering. good or bad!

i have my fights with Cubby and yet even with hurt eyes i get generous share of hugs and kisses. then is it just him being nice or the fact that they know our love beyond the hollering?

am sorry for the rambling! am sure i didnt make much sense! :)

hugs

abha

Rohini said...

I think I am the V in our relationship. Your thoughts on this make me realise what an ass I sometimes am

hack said...

I don't think it is intolerance on your part. It is not done for one's partner to suddenly drop things and go off without notice, no matter what you might tell yourself to come to terms with it. I might be better able to deal with silence from the other side with time, but that does not make it alright.

DotThoughts said...

You have such an amazing ability to stand afar and look at this objectively, Sue. I am guily of walking away too. Thanks for the insight.

Monika,Ansh said...

*Hugs* It's great that u can channel all your thoughts here & I am sure it's a relief for you to pour it all out.
I have a husband who can sulk for days after a fight & I know the hurt of that. *Hugs again.*

Just Like That said...

reading some of your posts, I wish I could look at my marriage with the honesty you do, but am not that brave or generous....:-(

Sue said...

Dipali -- I hope it gets better, then. :(

Subha -- Well, I'm trying to, let's say. Thanks.

M4 -- When it comes to thought, I'm as wise as the next Sue. When it comes to actions though...

Abha -- You do make sense but what I meant was more in the way that I feel alienated, so I keep away. This happens to many fathers, I've seen. So yes, I definitely to grow a thicker skin.

Ro -- I'm sure you're no ass. But yes, it would help to come out with it. Aww, I'm so excited about meeting you!

Hack -- Who decides what's not done? Me? That's not fair either, I think.

Dot -- I think I should thank you. You were one of the people behind this clarity, you know.

Monika -- You have one of those too? Aargh! These men, I tell you...

JLT -- Babe, I have to be honest. That's the only way I can swipe my righteous card and believe you me that card sees a lot of action. ;)