Sunday, January 11, 2009

Unwanted

It's a fact I don't hide, that The Wee Bhablet was the baby I hadn't wanted. It was an unplanned pregnancy and a difficult one and the timing was as bad as it could have been. The newly married blues combining with the restlessness of the bed-ridden topped with explosive family politics and a clueless husband created a terrible atmosphere around me and even though I had days when I wondered about this child I was bringing into the world, many more days were spent feeling resentful, lonely and depressed.

The first days of motherhood were just as confusing. There was this beautiful little mite -- and he was beautiful even if I say so myself, because really, how many attractive newborns have you seen anyway? -- hanging on to my finger and I felt this really primal understanding of his needs that I didn't even comprehend myself, and yet I resented his constant crying, his refusal to sleep or to stay still for one damn second. And then he showed a decided preference for his father and my mother and I let the PPD take me over.

I called him Rahul after toying with a couple of other names, simply because I had loved the sound of the name as a young girl and had planned to call my son that; and also because it was the name of Buddha's son -- along with Vicky's beautiful smile, Rahul had also inherited his father's absurdly long ears.

Do you know what the name means? It means "Obstacle". The Buddha gave his infant son this name in a moment of anger when his wife tried to keep him home by holding out his son as a lure. My own son couldn't have had a more apt name either. He has been an obstacle, utterly derailing all the plans I'd had. I've had to wait two years to return to a career, further studies are out of the question and even a simple night's partying requires much thinking over. I don't smoke any more and I hardly drink now, after the pregnancy hormones messed up my drinking habits. I'm scared of things I never noticed before, simply because they make up the world my son will grow up in. I'm far more particular about Vicky's failings because I'm scared that his son who hero-worships him will learn those bad habits as well. And I'm, well, I'm simply not the woman I had thought to be.

And in case from reading the last paragraph you get the feeling that I think any of this is bad, you're on the wrong track. The life I'm leading is hardly perfect but it makes all other lives seem so very sterile, so utterly lacking in some vital essence. This madcap juggling of household, work, marriage and parenting makes me feel so strongly alive in a way that nothing ever did before. In a cliched way, I really do see the world through new glasses since Rahul has been there to show things to me. I see the best of the man I married because he's a good husband but he's an even better father. And I see how much laughter and love this child of ours has brought into the world. Simply by being him, by some magic I've never really fathomed, he seems to make people want to smile, to play and pet and sing. Perhaps he'll lose it all as he grows older and perhaps that will only be right and natural. But I, I may never recover from the irony of having such a deeply resented gift turn out to be so right for me.

21 comments:

Mamma mia! Me a mamma? said...

I can't say anything right now, I need to go and bawl in the loo for a while!

Hugs!

Munchkin said...

I'm all choked up too...baaawwwl!

Mona said...

that's so beautiful sue. may rahul always light up your lives and give you plenty of reasons to smile :)

Y said...

oh, and amen!

Tharini said...

That was a beautiful post! More words in comment would not do it justice.

sumana001 said...

So beautiful!
Touch wood!
I hope you always feel the same.

Sue said...

M4, Avanti -- Shush, no crying. I don't write to make anybody cry.

Mona -- Amen.

Y -- :)

Tara -- Thanks.

Sumana -- Whatever the future holds, we'll both always have had this time when we thought each other perfect. That in itself is a happy thought.

Lavs said...

The last line was beautifully written. Happy New year Sue. How are you doing?

PS: I heard you sulking over Jan 1st chennai bloggers meet...you once came to chennai and had a meet without me...what should i do? How can you forget me?

dipali said...

My first baby story was very similar to yours, and the husband ans I were both so young and clueless about so many things.
God's gifts to us are what we really need, though we may not quite want 'em when we get 'em!
May both your wonderful boys do you proud.

Parul said...

I have often seen people naming their sons Rahul without knowing the history of the name. This is the first time I have seen a woman who understands what it is all about, accepts it and is even grateful for the so-called obstacle and the way it turned out.

I always did say that Sue is the coolest of 'em all. Love ya, lady!

Artnavy said...

So loving and lovely- Rahul is going to be so happy when he reads this

Thinking Cramps said...

I loved this. It is such a graceful and mature acceptance of life and how sometimes we don't have a clue why this is happening to us but it is just what we need.

Hugs to you and Rahul. And yes, he made me smile too, when I first saw him.

I'm going to shut up now.

Mama - Mia said...

:)

i am always awed at how honest you can get Due. how you can actually desctibe such raw feelings with such precision.

i love reading your blog for how the beauty is not lost with honesty! :)

and yes, rahul is totally adorable!

hugs

abha

Sue said...

Lavs -- I don't need to wish you, I think, this year is bound to be great for you. :)

We didn't forget you, just didn't know how to get you there when the plans were so sudden. OK, I owe you, right? :)

Dipali -- Amen to that too.

Parul -- OK, so now I don't know what to say. Dammit, don't do this to me!

Art -- Thanks, Art. I hope so too!

Ana -- :) Today he's been marking out the toys in school as "Baby" this and "Baby" that. I wonder if the teachers realise that this means that they are not allowed to play with them!

Abha -- Thank you.

Thinking Cramps said...

Lol! Exerting total ownership. Please let's see more pictures soon!

Thinking Cramps said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rohini said...

Beautifully written, wise young Sue :-)

mayG said...

aww Sue this just gave me goosebumps!
May Rahul be a source of pride and joy for you always..
God bless :)

choxbox said...

got goosies now..

Sue said...

Ana -- Yes, soon. Promise!

Ro -- :P Remind me to describe the Ro I once imagined you to be. That'll be suweeeete revenge.

MayG -- Thanks, love.

Chox -- :) I got them while I wrote this post!

The TAA Mommy said...

Amazingly written. you have such a gift of writing, or should i say a talent. have you considered writing seriously? all this that you write in a blog, you could might as well easily write into an autobiography that could sell ? i am not sure what my motiviations are, to tell you to do this ? to make money, fame ? name ?, do you want any of those. but this i know.. so many people could enjoy your twists and tales of writing.. you should bring it out into the world for more people to enjoy.. that is a great enough reason