OK, no, it's mainly because I can't settle down to the new routine. Rahul's not too happy with it but he's coping better than I'd hoped. Or so I was thinking. But it's also true that these last few weeks have seen the Terrible Twos come storming back into our lives. He was becoming so much easier to deal with but now he is whining all day, nothing seems to please him and he and I have been fighting endlessly.
This morning things took an upswing. I was sitting at the Mac with my morning coffee when he came toddling out of his cot (N.B. He can now climb in as well as out now, and we're pretty thrilled about it. No more rushing to get him in or out.) and hugged me. We haven't had any serious fights since although things got a bit nasty later in the evening. I have been miserable, feeling left out and unloved because father and son seemed so complete and self-sufficient in themselves. But I suppose it was me standing outside rather than them closing me out.
I come back to a home that's basically a mess and I don't mean the toys being on the floor either. I mean wet laundry in both bathrooms, used dishes in various places, mattresses not being aired, windows never having been opened all day and stuff like that. And I've been getting upset because somebody else is looking after my home and doing a lousy job of it. I don't want to think of how long it took me to learn to look after my home. How I added a chore each day as I learnt it needed to be done. That Vicky is freelancing full-time from home now and needs the time to work.
Well, I'm thinking of that now and it's true, I did tell him I'd fly off the handle but would he please overlook it because underneath it, all I wanted him to do was take care of himself and the boy. Everything else would happen somehow.
My second day of work today and things are falling into places. Hours have been fixed -- a consideration I really appreciate from an advertising agency -- and it is something I have been insistent about since I need to be able to at least take the babycare off Vicky's shoulders for a fixed amount of time everyday. I still don't know why I'm doing this to myself but I'm willing to finish the week before I apply for retirement.
This is what my horoscope for tomorrow (today) says:
Try to accept things they way they are right now -- even if they're not exactly how you want them to be. Keep in mind that things will never be perfect. So the sooner you can learn how to be more flexible, the better! Being uncomfortable, either emotionally or physically, isn't necessarily a bad thing, anyway. There is a lot of opportunity for growth when you are struggling to make things better. If everything was easy, then attaining things wouldn't be very rewarding.
In the meantime, Vicky is learning to cook khichudi for his son's lunch.