Saturday, June 28, 2008

What Me Worry?

Rahul and I are off to Madras on Sunday morning so Vicky and I celebrated my [un]birthday this evening. R was deposited at his thakurda-thamma's (V's folks) and we caught The Incredible Hulk at Fame. I quite enjoyed the movie. But then, I'll probably enjoy most things with Edward Norton in them. I guess I do have an unfortunate weakness for the thin/lean, spectacled variety of males. There was this moment when he donned a pair of glasses to read something and I nearly leaned forward and kissed him. The light, affectionate kiss I give V when he does something utterly charming.

I just read that paragraph and realised it isn't very appropriate, given my matronly status. Oh well. At least textual analysis no longer forms a part of my daily life now.

For the last one week I've been trying so hard to imprint the man into me. I mean, I'm married to him and all that, and been with him some years now -- more than I've been with anybody else, I find -- so obviously, he is some part of me already. But I've been doing this more feverishly this last one month, trying to notice, record, file away little images of him, touches of him, sounds of him. I don't know why I have this sense of urgency in me either. We'll only be gone a month, and this is a nice flat to leave him at, more comfortable and better set-up than our old one. Family and friends are still nearby. I know he'll be OK, and I suppose I will be too. Rahul will miss his father but he'll be happy to have his Diddi and Dadda (my parents).

A long time ago, I asked to be turned on. Perhaps I am now. I feel so alive. Perhaps, when I'm down, whether due to depression or due to stuff at home, I only can feel so dead because I'm otherwise so alive. I feel like I'm really living my life. Was telling somebody, I forget who, the other day that I'm glad I packed in so much in five short years at JU. That I wish I'd packed in a little more even, because while the pace was hectic, the memories are eventually great. There was so much bad stuff but now I'm reaping the benefits of the lessons I did learn from them. In a way, that was the preliminary, an extended prologue, to the life I'm living now. Then I felt like an escaped convict, unsure of which of the many pleasures to go for first, but convinced I wanted them all. Now I'm more sure of my tastes, know my limits and when it's OK to push them.

And I've been doing that, I think, this year. The Bhablet's hit the Terrible Twos early and is miserable and making V and me miserable. But it's still misery I've learnt to live with. I mean, I've learnt to put it out of my head when I go to work. And I'm working and meeting people. And running a home, such as it is, and learning new things all the time. I've been having fun. And V and I have been doing stuff together. Sometimes I feel a little guilty at leaving Rahul out of things (like this evening) but these days, more and more, I want V to myself. I want some of the time to ourselves that we never really got, considering I was pregnant by the time we went on our infamous honeymoon!

I've been thinking over the last three years, the years since my student days, when things changed and so fast and so much, and I think I've really been living. Isn't that what your twenties are all about? I've heard in your thirties you start being a bit more picky but otherwise the fun continues. My twenties will have been less parties and more family, but these times seem so lively. I sense in myself a courage of conviction, a strength of mind, a deeply sensual attractiveness that I know I never had before and I may not have twenty years on. In which case I'll be glad I had them now. I spent my teens trying to figure out what I wanted and what I needed and whether I could have it all. In spent my early twenties trying to have my cake and eat it too. And now I'm approaching twenty-six, I know what my cake is and how to eat it when I want it.

On second thoughts, that metaphor may have been carried a little too far. A stretched metaphor somehow is never as effective as it seems inside your mind, have you noticed?

I could go on about so much tonight, but I have lots of writing to catch up on. Reviews and column writeups and so on, not to mention some work I've taken on recently, all of which was supposed to have been done by now. I guess some things haven't changed, at that. Oh well, as the French say, plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.


Monika said...

so many thoughts in one post.
hope u have a great time with your parents. u must love your job that lets u have a whole month off...... wow. & the best part is that once u return u have the best time reconnecting agaiin with your dh. That's one bonus of going on holidays without dh.

Avanti Sané said...

Hope you have a nice vacation :)

Sparx said...

Oh, a month away! I hope you'll have a lovely time. A nice thoughtful post - there is so much to look forward to in life as well and your 30s will still really only be the start - all of life has so many amazing things lying in wait. Enjoy your 20s, they go so quickly

Sue said...

Monika -- DH? I took a slack month off and my employers don't mind because they only pay me for the hours I do work.

Avanti -- Thanks. Going pretty well so far.

Sparx -- :) Coming from you, that's a lot of encouragement. Heck, if the 30s are still only the start, life is going to be pretty full.

Monika said...

DH- dear hubby!