Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Concern

The last post. You think that gives anybody the right to run my husband down to me?

I will not be told things like, "if you write about him you give others the chance to run him down." Because to me that is like telling me what I may and may not write. I do write about V, and I will, until he asks me to stop. If it bothers him, I'm afraid I'll need him to come out and say it.

Let's get one thing very clear here. I do not mind V's drinking at all. My father drinks, as does my brother, as do I. I'm trying to learn to live with the smoking. What I minded was the disrespect shown to my home, not the fact that he was smoking. So if you come to me expecting me to agree with you about what a loser I've married -- you've come to the wrong place. It was worrying to see V get passing out because he hardly ever does. He gets happy (and once he got married) but basically that's it.

I'm not angry, haven't been angry in a while now. Just at a dead end once more. Wondering what turn will bring me the peace I'm looking for. No, meditation is not my thing. Open lines of communication with my husband is what I really need. At times like these, the blog is a source of communication. A communication that is not just insults yelled out loud. A place where I can tell him what I need to, without awkward silences. This communication is older than our relationship. There are old posts in the archives, meaningless, angry rants. V knew what I was on about, though, and showed me that he did.

I need to hear some things from him. I don't think I'll feel whole again until I do. But till then, some emails I got last night helped so much. I'll tell why. These emails (you know who you are, and thanks) jerked me out of the detachment because they talked about ways and means of coping. The one thing that ticks me off is people being judgmental. I'll accept it if you got something constructive with it, but not on its own. So, these emails really helped. I'm glad I replaced this post because unexpected people responded, and nothing cheers me up better than a bunch of people saying, hang in there, you're not alone. Call if you need help.

The problem is ours, V's and mine, and we'll solve it ourselves. But sometimes, I need a place to let loose so I can return to my own home a little calmer, a little more able to let go of my pride and anger. So if you see posts that you think give you the right to run me, my husband or son or anybody I love, down, stop right there. I'm venting, looking for an outlet I don't really have here. If my mother were here, I'd talk to her, but long distance it's not the same and only ends up worrying her. If you haven't anything constructive to say, don't say it. Don't say something that could destroy, not even out of love and concern for me.

N.B.
You could read this is as an insult, a poor reward for your concern. Or you could read it as something to add to your understanding of me. That my husband and son come first. Even when it doesn't seem like they do.

16 comments:

the mad momma said...

yes, i've noticed that most people who read the blog think they are helping by telling what to blog or not to blog about.

they dont realise that our lives are or lives regardless of whether we blog or not.

and that nobody. but nobody runs my family down. never mind if i have to rant - because this is MY space to do so.

hang in there Sue. didnt say anything on the last one because i know exactly why you wrote it.

hugs

Rohini said...

Absolutely right! No one has a right to tell you what to write. The only reason why you should or shouldn't blog about something is if it upsets the people you are blogging about. Everyone else should just go take a hike. I got a long lecture for my mom about writing about Jai's screw-ups in my Tired post and I was seething at the end of it. I asked Jai to read it as soon as I wrote it and told him it was something I wanted to get off my chest and he was okay with it, and frankly nothing else matters...

Also, this whole POV of always putting forth the sunny side of your family always seemed so dishonest to me. We are not in the business of advertising that we have perfect little families so why bother with the effort. It is always so much more effortless and comfortable to be yourselves and say what you mean to...

Hope all is better now?

Mala said...

So glad you wrote this post. Was reading the last one and couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that one.

Hope the car is fixed?

Mala

First Rain said...

Yesterday, when I went to comment on the previous post it was gone. So I didn't say anything.

But you are perfectly right in saying this being your blog - you have the right to say what you want about people around you - and especially if you say something about someone - the only other person who can say something about it is the someone you spoke about.

So there! That's about as confusing as I can make it. :D

Hope you have a lovely day.

Minka said...

You know there will always be a handful who have nothing positive to say . So just let them go ! Hope things are looking up already ;-)

umarah said...

its nice to see that your mood is better now.and yes.its your blog.you have the right to say what ever you feel like saying.you go girl.

Swati said...

Great post ..yeah ..sometimes we need a place to let loose ..an outlet ..nothing better than a blog there ...and no one has the right to tell us what NOT to blog

D said...

I have a few things to say:

1. If there are people getting judgemental even on a blog, it's not fair!

2. I understand what you're going through. Or so I think. I've been there trying to make sense of the relationship that matters the most to me. And been lost, trying to find a way only to come up against a dead end. And then, I've picked up the threads where they had snapped and woven my life back together.

3. After hearing of so many of my friends facing the same problems, I think this isn't even about V - it's just that men and women are so different, their needs and expectations from a relationship are so different!

eve's lungs said...

Next time you want to go hurtling all around PAS Road, Jodhpur Park on your own , call me.If Im not dying or in office , that is -.In that order.

I know exactly how you feel having gone through a similar situation twice .

DotThoughts (the artist formerly known as DotMom) said...

did not read the last post you mention, but NOBODY can tell you what to write/say. This is a forum to get support when you are down and we are all there for just that. It's cheaper than therapy :) I am glad you wrote a rejoinder!

Itchingtowrite said...

u r writing abt your husband on your blog naa??? i am confused. why is this reader feeling bad?!!!
don't bother

Itchingtowrite said...

and hang on there. take care
things will fall into place

dipali said...

Something for you on my blog, Sue.

Asha said...

tagged :)
or should i say awarded?

Grafxgurl said...

isnt it wierd when people offer unsolicited advice.

i dislike " friends" who think theyre offering support by bashing a loved one.

You and V are sticking at it. Thats the most important part.
Good for you girl!

Sue said...

MM -- Yeah, I guess you of all people would know. I on the other hand, rarely face it. Oh well.

Ro -- Fingers crossed. They may be better, am not committing myself to anything until another 24 hours go by. What happened here was similar. A very close friend made the comment, and I don't know if she was right. Then I got mad and said it doesn't matter whether she's right or wrong.

Me and my temper.

Mala -- Yes, thanks, Ally needed a change of battery and some basic TLC, read servicing.

First Rain -- I think your comment should be posted as a disclaimer on most personal (diary-style) blogs. Some trolls have no clue as to etiquette. Then again, we'd have less fun without trolls.

Umarah -- :)

Swati -- I know where you're coming from. ;)

D -- Well, why not take the trouble to tell me what his expectations are?

Evie -- You too? I didn't think of you, actually. Will keep your number on speed dial then!

Dotty -- That's a simpler name. Now, the person who said it, did so with so with the best of intentions. I just got mad. Now her indignation, hopefully, has passed along with my anger.

Itchy -- Because she figures I'd have less trouble offline if I watched what I wrote online! Like I said, she may have a point, I just don't care to follow it. If V has a problem he'll have to tell me himself.

Dipali -- :) Such a surprise, you know.

Asha -- Been wondering, how on earth do you find anything nice around here? All I do is complain! Thanks, but. :)

Grafx -- Well, we weren't sticking to it. Now we may be. Like I told Ro, I refuse to comment either way. Need to see the peace sustain itself before I draw any strength from it.