The last post. You think that gives anybody the right to run my husband down to me?
I will not be told things like, "if you write about him you give others the chance to run him down." Because to me that is like telling me what I may and may not write. I do write about V, and I will, until he asks me to stop. If it bothers him, I'm afraid I'll need him to come out and say it.
Let's get one thing very clear here. I do not mind V's drinking at all. My father drinks, as does my brother, as do I. I'm trying to learn to live with the smoking. What I minded was the disrespect shown to my home, not the fact that he was smoking. So if you come to me expecting me to agree with you about what a loser I've married -- you've come to the wrong place. It was worrying to see V get passing out because he hardly ever does. He gets happy (and once he got married) but basically that's it.
I'm not angry, haven't been angry in a while now. Just at a dead end once more. Wondering what turn will bring me the peace I'm looking for. No, meditation is not my thing. Open lines of communication with my husband is what I really need. At times like these, the blog is a source of communication. A communication that is not just insults yelled out loud. A place where I can tell him what I need to, without awkward silences. This communication is older than our relationship. There are old posts in the archives, meaningless, angry rants. V knew what I was on about, though, and showed me that he did.
I need to hear some things from him. I don't think I'll feel whole again until I do. But till then, some emails I got last night helped so much. I'll tell why. These emails (you know who you are, and thanks) jerked me out of the detachment because they talked about ways and means of coping. The one thing that ticks me off is people being judgmental. I'll accept it if you got something constructive with it, but not on its own. So, these emails really helped. I'm glad I replaced this post because unexpected people responded, and nothing cheers me up better than a bunch of people saying, hang in there, you're not alone. Call if you need help.
The problem is ours, V's and mine, and we'll solve it ourselves. But sometimes, I need a place to let loose so I can return to my own home a little calmer, a little more able to let go of my pride and anger. So if you see posts that you think give you the right to run me, my husband or son or anybody I love, down, stop right there. I'm venting, looking for an outlet I don't really have here. If my mother were here, I'd talk to her, but long distance it's not the same and only ends up worrying her. If you haven't anything constructive to say, don't say it. Don't say something that could destroy, not even out of love and concern for me.
You could read this is as an insult, a poor reward for your concern. Or you could read it as something to add to your understanding of me. That my husband and son come first. Even when it doesn't seem like they do.