I've been hard at work all day today and I feel like I've been tired for so long now. So I just gave myself an hour-long break, and it feels so good.
I come home and see that precious child sleep and all I can do is wonder why him. What did I do so right? I spend the long drive back home thinking about seeing V again but when I do come home, I invariably go to my son. Because he shows an enthusiasm for my company that his father never does. Perhaps V feels it, but it never translates into hugs and kisses. I stopped welcoming him with those many, many moons ago, when I realised that he didn't care one way or another. Why didn't he?
Shuki and I were talking about the problems at home, and she said, "I can still see the love there. Whatever problems you have, the love is clear to see." She sees something I don't. Why don't I see it? Inside me, there's a little voice saying that it must be there, but... I would like the old, spontaneous hugs back.
I know, I'm a nag and a terror to live with. But I'm a nag who likes being kissed. Not when I'm busy losing my temper but at other times.
I believe that in order to bring about change it's very important to be be the change. In this case though, I fail to practise what I preach. V and I are falling into the routine of showing our love in other ways, in little considerations, in coming home tired and heading into the kitchen to make him a dish he likes, in whisking The Bhablet off when he's driving us nuts. There's still too much stress in the house. We've had a maid since the beginning of this month, and she's really good with The Bhablet. Plays with him, and he likes her. She does a great part of the housework too, and is mostly good and fairly clean with that. But even so, I seem to be perennially stressed out and so tried all the time. It's only now that she's doing so much that I realise how hard I worked all of March, with no help, managing jobs, household, cooking and baby.
I've taken on some work this week and that's what I'm taking a break from. It's proving hard for me to meet deadlines after two years of lazing around.
The V thing... I know it's not a one-way street. And I don't think we've lost too much. But all I really want to do right now is cuddle up to him in bed. It's hard lines to have to work late, even if he is working hard himself, right behind me.