Friday, March 28, 2008

Ah. So.

Exactly.

I have, as you may have noticed, been away. If you haven't, you should have, and that's all I'm going on to say on that head. Of course, I've been commenting on the odd post and replying to a mail or two, but by and large, I was not, er, available for the last ten days because I was... how do I put it? Sort of suicidal with large doses of homicidal and a strong helping of paranoid thrown in to make it more fun.

Since then, though, the son and heir (to what? My doll collection?) has had a vaccination, plucked a bug out of empty air while his system was low, and is still quite sick. (I'm sorry, Dipali, I really haven't been taking in calls in a while, except from my mum, to whine about life in general. Was not up to levels necessary for polite society.) So what with all this -- and work, because I do work, remember? -- I've been a little out of it.

It's all been too much. No maid, V being of sporadic use in the household, a cranky/whiny/feverish Bhablet, me having picked up a milder version of the bug. This morning I was this close to ending it all. Not that I'm sure how one does that, because I sure as hell ain't slitting my wrists, no thank you, it hurts! But you know what I mean, I'm sure. V is of immense help when he wants to be; catch being he hasn't wanted, until these last two days.

Anyway, what with late night fantasies over wet dream songs on the FM -- excuse me, The Bhablet's up -- he's asleep, but now I've lost the thread. Whatever. Wasn't very important. I'm in a flippant sort of mood. I was desperately down last week and eventually texted E for help. Her reply's been sinking in all day. She's right, and is saying the sort of thing I'd say in her place. But the life I'm living is, well, the life I'm living. So I take the apologies in the form they come. Not the form I hoped they'd be, but then, nor was my acceptance as I'd hoped it to be. Probably it wasn't the way V wanted it to be either. Are things back to normal between us? Well, no, not entirely, but at least you can live in the flat now. The way things were, either he or I was running away as soon as we could.

Life's a bitch, some weeks. The fuckingest bitch except that there isn't any of that either.

In all this, the feeling I've had since Feb is growing stronger. I turn to Rahul in my moments of need. That is, trying to give him the most 'normal' atmosphere I can often helps me calm down and do what I should instead of what I want to do (i.e. murder his father). And he, he can be such a very special child. I had a bad attack of the baby blues after he was born. I think it was a carry on of the pregnancy depression and it stayed for months. Back then, when I would feed him and sit there softly crying out of sheer misery, he, tiny, wee Bhablet that he was, would stop feeding, look up at me; sometimes he'd brush me with his fists; he often smiled at me, or put out a hand and it was such a comforting thing. I'm talking of a two-month baby here. But he was old enough to know that when somebody is sad, you comfort them first and everything else can follow. He's done it ever since. As he grew older he'd try to ignore my tears, but he would stay by my side, try not to leave me alone. In turn, I realised that I was upsetting him, so I tried to cry less.

On Tuesday morning, things being especially rocky between Vicky and me, I was standing helplessly by the doorway wondering what to do when two little hands -- such strength in them -- came around my legs and I found myself being hugged. I've seen him, a child who cannot sit still for two consecutive seconds, and I'm not exaggerating, sit quietly in V's lap for minutes altogether when V is down.

He's such a little person and I'm so wary of burdening him with my sorrows. I haven't been able to stop the fights in front of him, but I'm trying my hardest to not ever run V down to him. Even when I want to, I really want to, and once or twice I have, I always apologise afterwards and tell him I didn't mean what I said, that I said it in anger. He may be only eighteen months old but I'll bet you whatever you want me to that he understands every word I say. (Chooses to disregard most of it, but he definitely understands it.) Where does he get his wisdom? I don't want him to grow up early and learn to deal with fractious parents. But even as I say that, another part of me says, yes, try to conquer your weaknesses, but we all have the parents we do. My own folks gave me a tough time growing up and I show the scars in my own parenting, but I believe I'm also a richer, tougher, more adaptable person because of it all.

I love him so much, and with this love is a growing respect. It's funny how I'm learning to adapt to living with not just one other person, but two.

In his illness I've taken to doing the one thing I always resisted -- holding him in my arms and walking the floor just to soothe him. He holds me so tight. I feel the strength in his skinny little arms and I return the pressure and pray as deeply as I can for the strength to not ever lean on him, to let him go do what he must, to watch him fall and not stop him even though I can.

This is not a post with a point, you know? Just missed blogging, but hey, all I can talk about it is my son. Such a special little boy. I never say it, but I think he knows I think it.

24 comments:

First Rain said...

Who needs a post with a point when you can write with all your heart in a pointless one. :) Hugs. Stay strong.

Gauri said...

I totally second what First Rain has said Sue.

Children are amazingly perceptive Sue - they don't really need angry words or showdowns to know that there is tension in the air. I'd say they sense it before we even air things out.

And yes, the Bhablet is indeed a lovely lovely wise little boy. Hope the little guy gets better soon.

Take care.

Hugs

G

~nm said...

I have had many such moments and I know will continue to have them in the future as well.

Its true that this little person gives me a want to carry on, gives me the strength and the comfort that someone feels for me..that feeling is just so precious!

There are so many moments that I feel I'm living just because of him and for him!

dipali said...

Sue, its fine not taking calls. Of course I was worried about you- long silences from you tend to be ominous.
Yes, a tiny, wee child so often can and does give one the love and the strength to go on..... it's really amazing, when you think about it, and not so amazing when you think about it some more.
Love your darling Bhablet with all your heart, Sue, and I'm sure things will be alright. Call me when you feel upto it. Life is sometimes such a bitch, sometimes an angel. C'est la vie.

the mad momma said...

oh you poor baby... and i know what you mean. its surprising how much strength the children give when all the while you imagine its the other way around...

stay strong...

Poppins said...

Oh I know what you mean, it's both harder and easier because of them. They make it harder on us because we have to watch ourselves, and our words and our fights but they make it easier because we are forced to learn control.

And ofcourse their soothing presence. Have you noticed how they tend to side you in an argument? Atleast mine does, maybe it's because I cry and the husband doesn't. Or maybe it's because I'm usually right ? :) Heh heh.

Hope you're feeling better!

Rohini said...

Glad you're back. Te fact that you wrote this shows you must be feeling better.

Rahul is such an awesome little boy...

compulsivedreamer said...

Delurking for the first time probably. My thoughts are with you! Hoping for everything to be okay very soon...

Y said...

Hey Sue,

Come, let's all just move to Delhi then, what say? I'll even organize a blogger meet with you as chief guest,

Hugs!

Just Like That said...

This post struck a chord so many places..

Sometimes, your kid keeps you from flaring out,
and yet sometimes, the fights and issues with the spouse get so huge, you almost wonder if it wouldn't be better to just out and keep your sanity...
which is when the thought of a little being who treasures his Acha just the same (maybe a wee bit less)as his Amma makes me hang on in there and make a last-ditch effort for peace...
HUGS. Hope all of you are well in body and mind again.

dipali said...

@Y, bet you haven't even unpacked- move to Kolkata- we'll have you and Peanut as chief guests!

Itchingtowrite said...

wow! so many thoughts and each st from the heart!
take care of yourself & rahul...hope u guys r doing fine now

i tend to agree with u that kids may annoy you a lot but if you get upset, they sort of toe the lin and become so sweet and comforting that u feel shitty abt being upset in front of them..

Nisha said...

Most of the times, the kids seem to understand us better than the menfolk at home. I also noticed that having a baby around does ease the tension of the after effects of a fight.

Bhablet is a sweet little boy who is there for you. So, you need not worry about anything. Take care of yourself for his sake :)

Rimi said...

*Speechlessness*

thelastbyte said...

Some of us take one look at our unmanageable lives and carelessly toss the mess into a dark closet. But you, Sue, you open that closet and expose the pathetic attempt to fake a sense of clean. Perhaps you can't rest till the items are sorted into compartments where they have no danger of tumbling back into your life uninvited. I think that's brave - like staring Life in the face and giving it a finger for the bitch that it can be.

Being brave all the time can be exhausting. So glad you have your Bhablet by your side, on your side.

--
Null Pointer

eve's lungs said...

Life can besuch a bitch. I hope you are well healed ( in all ways) now!

Suki said...

:hugs:

And yes, cuddle therapy is probably the best healer ever.
You ARE a tough cookie! Muchos respect.

Sue said...

First Rain -- On a tangent, I've been working extremely hard these last two days. Physically hard, I mean. So the stay strong was most apt! Not two hours ago I was heaving trunks and a diwan. :)

Gauri -- Hey, you de-lurked! He's much better now, thanks. Eating little, but otherwise raising hell. So all's well.

NM -- I know! We have to find some other focus in our lives... I'll be terribly torn once he's off to school. :(

Dipali -- I don't understand how he forgives us, you know. We treat him really shabbily sometimes, but we're still pretty perfect in his eyes. I know it'll be the exact opposite in 12 more years, so I'm making the most of it now!

Mad Momma -- Yes, it's most perplexing. Who's bringing up whom here, I'd like to know. Last month my father looked at me approvingly and remarked that I seemed to have 'grown up' at last. Humph!

Poppin's Mom -- The Bhablet stays neutral! Goes to comfort both of us. Quite shaming, really. But so comforting. :)

Ro -- Yeah. By the time I finish writing I always feel better. Or by the time I write at all.

He's a Bhablet, is what he is.

Compulsive Dreamer -- Yeah, they are, thanks.

Y -- LOL! I think I'll go with Dipali's idea although I've been wishing to go to Delhi for some months now. Let's see, if we can afford it we'll tag along the next time V goes on work.

JLT -- Oh, it makes me so mad just thinking that my precious baby can actually 'waste' all that love on somebody as unworthy as V. :) Of course, I only think this when I'm mad.

Itchy -- I've been meaning to ask you: does having twins meaning having double or halved mommy guilt???

Nisha -- I think my kid is basically smarter and nicer than the husband. Because he has my genes, na? When I'm in a different mood (right now I'm pretty chirpy as you can tell) then I think both Niyogys, father and son, suck. LOL!

Rimi -- In addition to the absenteeism?

Null Pointer -- Oh, some of the time I have The Bhablet and some of the time I have his father. We're always two against one, in one combination or the other. But yeah, it's nice to have company.

Eve's Lungs -- Yes, thank you. Which reminds me, how do you feel about blogmeets?

Suki -- :) Thanks.

Sunshine said...

go hug V with the little Bhablet squished in between!!

DotMom said...

aww my poor dear Sue. Hugs to you. Kids can give you such strength. And such restraint. I have to watch what I say when in Chip's presence.. despite the fact I want to say something totally scathing at that moment. Hope things go back to normal soon. Hang in there.

Mystic Margarita said...

I agree, Sue. Children are a great source of strength...don't know how they get it. I remember, once I had a fight with R and was sitting in a corner with tears pouring out of my eyes...Popol (he was around 9 months old then) crawled up to me, put his head in my lap, and held my hand. He'd never done that before....I was so touched! I'm never going to forget that gesture ever! Hugs to you...and hug the Bhablet once for me, too.

Sue said...

Sunshine -- Great idea. :)

Dottie -- Things are still settling down, but we're ok.

Mystic -- And to think these amazing kids are going to grow up to be nasty, unfeeling, undemonstrative men one day and drive their poor wives batty. *Sigh*

karmickids said...

Sue, this was to me, the most beautiful post you have ever written. Period. God bless R.

Sue said...

Kiran -- Thank you, milady.