I've been hearing that a lot lately. Well, guess who was down, way down, in the dumps all these days and couldn't find her way out? And just did? Woo bloody hoo, baby!
V joined a friend's software firm on Monday as a part-time consultant. Which means he spends so many hours a day over there. Add two hours for the commute. The bad news? Isn't it obvious? I'm losing the one source of adult company I had all day (or what passed for it, if I'm being honest) and I've to deal with a Bhablet all on my ownsome lonesome most of the day. Also, going out has just become vastly more complicated. Mornings also got more complicated.
The good news? You mean apart from the steady income (which I never, not ever denigrate)? Well, this office is close to The Tea Table i.e. T3 so he can bring home pastries now and then. It's also sort of close to Kalman's, so he can now literally bring home the bacon. Also the lean ham, the spiced sausages, the pate etc.
So yeah, the comparatively carefree life we've been leading for the last one year has just ended. Just like that. Almost overnight. Now we are back to routines and V will make promises and forget all about them (and about us, The Bhablet and I) because he's too absorbed in his office, and it will drive me nuts and I will keep being afraid that he'll start smoking once more (in which case I'll just have to kill him and I'm not really ready to be a widow yet.) But is that so bad? Something may work out for me in the coming months -- don't want to talk of it just yet -- and then we'd be stuck in a very demanding schedule anyway.
I've been so low. I have these depressive phases. I get them in cycles. They run in the family and I've had mine for a decade at least now. So I do know when I'm having one. But if you chuck what I may construe as bad news at me right when one such cycle is starting off, you're really locking me in and throwing away the key. Well, guess who broke her lock open!
V is in Gurgaon right now on work. He left very early yesterday morning. I went through the day ok. The Bhablet has a terrible cold and has been alternating blocked and runny noses since the last two days. He has been missing his father badly too. He was ok with me going to answer the bell (I've to go out into the verandah) -- which is unusual and surprised me, until I realised that each time I got back he was looking beyond me, waiting for the door to open once more and reveal his Em-ba. I've been feeling a really inadequate mother of late and I guess it'll be like this all our lives. No matter who does more or works harder, V will always come first with him. I knew something of the sort was waiting for us when he was only a Fidgety Fudge.
When I'm down this bothers the hell out of me. When I'm normal it gives me great satisfaction. The relationship between my father and my brother is as messy as it can be, so watching this other father-son pair work out something does console me. Even V's own relationship with his father could be better. They get along very well and I know his father is proud of him. It shows in the way he looks at V. But somewhere there is a distance between them that does not allow V to ask his father the questions that bother him the most. I think V is trying to raise his own son in such a way that such a distance never crops up.
Well, as I said, I was down and The Bhablet was cranky and it was driving me mad. Now I'm back to being me and I don't mind all this. I mean, I do, but I can handle it. Today I'm going to cuddle the living daylights out of The Bhablet and beg his pardon for being such a grouch.
And I seem to have worried you guys too, and I am ever so sorry. I just needed to get all the resentment out of my system. I hate sounding bitter on the blog, it feels like such a permanent blot here, somehow. I'm not saying I want Sunny Days to record only the sunshine but I do want to be in a rational frame of mind when I write down the negatives. Well, strictly speaking, I'm more euphoric now than rational, but it'll do. We can always blame the movie.
Now, it's only 2.30 a.m. and I've drawers to tidy and a trolley to clean out. So later, ok? Ok.