V and I agreed to quit smoking when we decided to get married. Without being a very heavy smoker, he was still pretty dependent on his nicotine fix. And without being an addict, I used ganja to help me cope with the knee pain when it got very bad, to tide along lonely hours etc. After the marriage I haven't touched a joint (and don't intend to, with The Bhablet in the picture) but V has not stopped his smoking. I only got worried when I realised that he can't. Now, I'm a control freak and cannot bear the thought of anybody or anything actually having such a strong sway over me (or mine). When I was pregnant last year, when the smell of tobacco would make me nauseous, V used to come home from work smelling of it. He said he wasn't smoking but he was. I was going through depression and he managed to convince me that I was imagining it. So you can imagine my fury when I discovered that I had been right all along. After The Bhablet was born I told him enough was enough and that I didn't want Rahul learning that smoking was ok. So he said he'd kick it. That was last November. Since then I've smelt it on him but he has told me each time that it was his friends. This November I asked him if he had really kept his promise and he nodded. And I told him, it's been a year, and I'm so proud of you. Only to find, a month later, that it all lies again.
It's not a pretty story but neither of us comes out well. We are trying to put it behind us. He, to try quitting once more, me to not be suspicious of everything he says. And I think TMM has a point when she says:
why does he lie? no finger pointing involved, but i know that i usually FLIP out when something upsets me. which makes it seem like i'd be hard to confess to - but the truth is that i am one of the most easy ppl to confess to... so maybe you are ready and willing to forgive whatever it is he thought he'd have to lie abt .. he's just too scared to tel the truth? damn.. going around in circles here.
She's put her finger on it. It's scary to think your husband doesn't want to come to you with the truth. Why then should you expect anybody else in the world to? Is that the image that I give out? I think that is mostly why I was so angry. That and because I found this out when he was out of town and I waited for him to come back, to explain, even admit it, but he did none of those things.
Whereas I would rather he told me that it had been a mistake, let me blow my top, and then we could both have gone on with life. I'm the carpe diem sort, I don't like to waste these days that we do have, they are too precious.
Anitha described something else that comes between us:
My hubby does not do it, but he does more damage than by JUST NOT TALKING AT ALL. Will you believe there will be days when we would have hardly spoken anything other than, "food is on the table, eat", "come to bed","bye" and such like. That too when we do not have any fights. He is such an intensely private person, that he does not like me blogging, and we have been having fights over it. He knows I love reading and writing, these days he is getting annoyed when I take up a book, it is more as a protest to my blogging. I wouldn't give up blogging unless I really want to, I see this is an incursion of his personality onto my interests. I am not giving away any info about him, not posting pics of Nikki, but I will write.Not talking does more harm with me than actually spitting it out. Because if he doesn't say what's on his mind, I'm liable to imagine it's a lot worse than it actually is. Experience has shown this. But I guess I also have to accept that V is the silent sort. I can live with that, but I do need to be able to trust the little that he does say.
On the blogging thing Sunita agreed with her:
I don't share everything with my husband, infact I'm much much more guarded than he is. Which is why he finds it completely odd that I spill my guts out to the blogosphere and like Nikki's mom says we have been arguing about it too.As she says, she sounds a lot like V! You know, you guys, I think if it had been V blogging and me the silent spectator, I'd have had a problem with it too. Perhaps it will help to somehow involve your husbands in it? Like DotMom asks BigGeek to think back to help her work out a tag. Or I remember TMM saying she mails her posts to OA if she thinks he may mind what she has written. V takes some of the photos I put up. I know he reads Sunny Days regularly and it shows in my posts. As he knows. There was a time when I wrote without considering him, and there is a difference between how I wrote then and how I write now. Now, even if I want to come bitch about V here, I ask myself if I would be ok with him writing the same lines about me.
For all I know, you guys do these things already. Maybe your husbands are concerned about the security. Would they mind it so much if you met some women somewhere and became friends and told them stuff about yourselves? I mean, if you found a circle totally unconnected with them? Would they be more comfortable if they came to a blog-meet or two? If they could put faces and names to the blogs, if the photographs became real kids they knew? Or do they feel that the blogs are where we come to bitch about them? I do know a lot of guys get those vibes, unfortunately. Perhaps if you can figure out what their real problem is, you can try working it out.
Also, Anitha, it's hard for a person who doesn't read to understand why books are vital. V's mother doesn't, and incurred my wrath early in our marriage by asking (in all innocence) why I wanted to bring my books with me to their place.
I have no answers to these, because obviously, you'll know your husbands' insecurities/problems better than I do. But if you can find a way to involve them maybe it will help.
Now, the flirting thing. I was amused when I read what I had written. It's true, I don't flirt randomly. But I do enjoy flirting. It's just that I enjoy flirting with V more than I do with unknown strangers. I enjoy teasing him and coming on to him when we are partying, or have been drinking. It sounds silly, I know, but I really have so much more fun with him that I don't feel like wasting my time with strangers. It's a non-issue mainly because we mostly party with married friends, and I don't flirt with other people's husbands. That's the easiest way to lose a friend, even if everybody knows it was just fun. I've been burnt too many times to even want to.
That reminds me of the last time I went to Roxy. A tequila and a couple of martinis along I was in a very pally mood indeed. Along came this extremely stupid guy who thought he'd try his luck. Since I was in a good mood I didn't rebuff him immediately like I should have. So he started complimenting me. Then I smiled vaguely at him and began edging out of the sofa. So he tried to keep me interested. How? By showing me pictures of his wife and son, who had just gone out of town. 'You're a good girl with family values, so am I' -- how's that for a pickup line?
I have no issues with flirting, but my rule of the thumb is, in this as all else, would it be ok with me if it were V saying/doing what I am saying/doing. I find that simplifies matter considerably.