I'd thought of a quiet hour blogging, since both V and R are napping this afternoon. Thought I'd tidy up the living-room (also our dining-room, V's office and our sitting-room, not to mention R's playground) and sit down with a huge mug of coffee. Made South Indian style. But my maid/cook opened the kitchen window and forgot to close the kitchen door so the house was flooded by mosquitoes. I just spent an exhausting hour killing about a thousand of them. Or at least 60. (I lost count after the 48th.)
Anyway. So here I am. Do you know, I've made a determined effort not to blog this week. I could have, from Madras, but I decided to spend the time cossetting R and chatting with my mum instead. Sometimes, I get so impatient to go online to check mail/work/blog/read, I tend to hurry R around, and not pay him attention when he calls. Ok, he calls all the time, but still. Anyway, my little trip(s) was great.
E, her friend and I spent some time one night chatting about relationships, what we have done right and wrong. E and I tend to make similar mistakes, and it always upsets me because I want her to learn from mine. Of course, I never learnt from anybody else's, but I'm very protective of her, and don't like to see her hurt. She hurt her ex, very badly, the same way I hurt S. By silence, by refusing to explain. So I told her how, before S got married, when I knew he was over me and looking forward to his new life, my one gift to him was an email telling him a little bit about why I broke things off. I knew the rejection had hit him where he was the most vulnerable, and I forced myself to tell him the truth now that he could handle it -- that I had loved him, then and later, as much as I always had, and that it was my courage that failed me. That it had never been him. Never a lack of love. And I told E to go and do the same. To go tell her ex just how incomplete she had been feeling without him, to do this without expecting anything in response, and to not put pressure on him to do anything about it.
Have you ever done that? It hurts like mad. It was very difficult for me to tell E -- a person as private as I -- to go ahead and speak her heart, because I knew from experience how it leads to months of agonising, of feeling stupid. But in the end I knew I had given back to S what I had taken from him, and that was my last gift of love to him. I hope things work out with E, but she is a very strong person within herself, and like me, she feels injustice strongly. So perhaps speaking her heart will also help her heal, herself, the relationship and her ex.
E, if you are reading this, I want you to know that I'm very proud of you, how far you have come, and the strength you have shown. Now go and get him!