Friday, September 21, 2007

For One Night Only

Have you ever been a one-night stand?

I have, and it’s an odd sort of memory to look back on. My first boyfriend must have been the only person I have ever loved entirely selflessly. I was thoughtful, sacrificing, concerned, in a way I’ve never been since. (It follows that the reason I broke up with him was the most atrociously selfish one I could have had.) Something snapped in me after the break-up. Things like commitment and fidelity and trust became abstract concepts that needed internalizing (ahem!) rather than the way of life I had always taken them to be.

Once commitment flies out of the window you can have a lot of fun, believe you me. That is not to say that I have ever actively cheated on any partner of mine – but I certainly spent less time feeling guilty for, well, other pleasures.

But – one night stands. Get me on the earlier topic and we could well be here for a couple of hours more yet. Anyway, I recently read Murakami’s Sputnik Sweetheart and have been thinking about one-night stands. I’m not very censorious about sex. My belief is that so long as you don’t hurt whoever you are with*, whatever you do is your own business and ought to be enjoyed. So, if one-nighters are ok with you, here are some tips that some guys and I discussed once and agreed ought to be passed around – because the game is always more fun when both players know the rules, right?

[* If you are in a relationship and your partner would not be ok with it, obviously, you should not be indulging in this particular game.]

1. Pick up the vibes if somebody’s sending you some. Insecurity and the whole ‘who me?’ disbelief can keep you alone in bed for a very long time.
2. Enjoy it while it lasts. You are both here for the sex, not to discuss your emotional tangles.
3. Work at making it enjoyable for your partner. Keep in mind this may be the only impression you’ll get the chance to make.
4. Play safe. For obvious reasons.
5. Keep it friendly, right up to the goodbye the next morning.
6. If you’re a virgin, come out with it beforehand. If your potential partner thinks that’s a problem, you’re better off not sleeping with him, trust me.
7. Don’t waste your time and your partner’s if you suspect that morning may bring regrets. In other words, get into it for the sex, not out of loneliness, drunkenness or a high.
8. Keep it simple – it’s just sex – and leave your phone silent and your tv turned off.
9. That said, also feel free to experiment! Your temporary partner has no idea of your usual style and therefore has no expectations.

In all fairness, I should add the one point that all men I have ever discussed this with agree upon – there is nothing quite as sexy as the women you have made a move on taking the rest of the initiative.


RJ said...

Dear Sue,
You are a different(in a positive sense) - you are gutsy, courageous. I don't expect to read something like this in a Indian women blog.


Sue said...

RJ -- Really? Why not?

RJ said...

Just because Sex itself is a taboo subject, more so in India. I wonder if something like 'Sex and the city' be there in India ?

Grafxgurl said...

somehow, this post disturbed me. a lot.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

And youre back! Squee!

Oh and before I forget, I wanted to let you know that I've linked to you in my latest post.

Sunita said...

I am just wondering here, given both partners agree, what would the conversations sound like with the partner before or after a one night stand with some sexy eyes.

aargee said...

A very different post....You are so true in what you feel and not even a bit of hypocrisy..
"[* If you are in a relationship and your partner would not be ok with it, obviously, you should not be indulging in this particular game.]"

hhahaha.... good you mentioned, otherwise you would have been bombarded with comments.;and I am surprised there are just few comments here. I guess people are dumbstruck reading this post :)

First Rain said...

{Raises hand to voice his opinion} Me, me... I have something to say... :D

I wouldn't be able to do the one night thingy myself (nah... I am too screwed up inside, to let it be like that) but if my *ahem* other half wants to indulge in *games* ... it's her wish.

Poppins said...

Ahem. Well. I quite don't know what to say. What I would very much like to ask someone who's ever been in a one night stand - is the sex itself worth it? Or was it the whole excitement of doing something so thrilling that made it fun?

The reason I ask - I think (and I maybe big time wrong here) that sex gets better when you know a person a little better. Doing it with a stranger hmmm I really don't know.

If it's only the excitement, well then you can get that with dangerous dancing, shameless flirting and making out which I'm positive all of us have done ! (Without the added baggage of feeling used/unsafe sex etc)

Whatdya think?

Arthur Quiller Couch said...

My experience is, they're over-rated. You need practice to get it right, that doesn't happen with a one-off.

Rohini said...

In my experience, the part where you are drunk out of your mind gets in the way of thinking through 1-9 ;-)

Sue said...

RJ -- Is it taboo? I think the thing is, those who are out there playing the game don't waste time writing about it... Alas, for me those days are all in the past... *sniff* ;)

Grafx -- But why?

Megha -- Heh heh. We're all halfway into becoming Britney apologists here. Never thought to see the day!

Sunita -- You mean if one or both of the two have sexy eyes? I imagine there would be compliments. Perhaps an attempt to translate this into a more than one-off?

Aargee -- Oh but I don't get too many trolls here, luckily. All that talk of babies and mother-in-laws probably scares them off. :)

First Rain -- Yes, you in the back there. What do you mean by your other half exactly? Are you referring to your partner as in another human being or are you referring to one of your other personalities? In both cases, I'm glad to hear you would be ok with it. I cannot claim to be so open-minded.

Poppin's Mom -- Oh I agree that sex is best when there is a proper relationship involved. But one-offs can be fun when you don't want the baggage of a relationship. For a day or two I went about starry-eyed, but I was quite happy to let the feeling fade, and that's where a one-off scores. You have the fun without the ties. So long as both play by the rules, which obviously include safe sex.

AQC -- Then you need some more experience. :) Like all games, this one too needs practice. Practice at the one-night bit, assuming the act itself is no longer a hassle.

Rohini -- LOL. Yes, see what happened the night I ended up drunk with a drunker guy. A Bhablet, that's what!

the mad momma said...

hmm.. i am sure they are great. unfortunately, its too late for me to know. but i wanna add to what poppin's mom said - yes, its greaat when you know the person. but with some ppl the chemistry is just so fantastic that the fireworks begin immediately.

Mystic Margarita said...

Hey Sue, If only you'd written this before I got married! LOL - but in all seriousness, I don't think I'll ever be able to get in a one-night stand coz my head and my heart would get in the way - I'm too much of a thinker - I think many times before I take even a small decision - and I wouldn't be able to go the distance with some one if I didn't feel an emotional bnd with him, even if the chemistry was sizzling.

SS said...

Hi,what you said abt the way you felt for your first boyfriend .. I felt that way abt mine too. And haven't since.

Beq said...

How do you have a one night stand with someone with mismatched eyes, or one who wears a parka to bed? What about the one with....ah forget it...interesting piece though...
Did you get the graphic novel I sent you?

Sue said...

MM -- OOh yes. But you know, one-nighters with known ppl (known for some years say) are not too bad either. If both of you stick to the rules.

Mystic -- But that's the whole point. You stop thinking and do what your body wants you to. ;)

SS -- Yes, but then, I probably couldn't have been such a great person for a lifetime, so it may be a good thing that ended. Who knows?

Beq -- You should be the agony answering these questions, not me! I didn't get no book, not me (I ain't no fortunate son).

J R said...

I definitely think this blog will make the people who are in confusion whether to go for sex b4 marriage or not, commit mistake(meaning sex b4 marriage in india is still mistake in our religious & culture).

I dont expect such a post from Indian women.

Sue said...

Jr -- Well, son, that's life. Coping with the unexpected and finding out that it's actually more enriching than you'd expected.

miracle said...

candid expressions. you are so brave.
write more.u have changed my views abt such things. this sunday gonna read ur blog can expect lots of comments!

sunny jain

rohini said...

very gutsy...

Sue said...

Miracle, Rohini -- Having sex doesn't take much courage, actually. :)