Saturday, August 11, 2007

I hate my life.

This week, I do. I have been picking fights with V, been extremely short-tempered with The Bhablet, have only been doing as much household work as I absolutely have to do, and have been pretty rude to a lot of people.

I don't know why I'm doing that, but I wish I would stop.

I can only see the negatives in my life this week, the sacrifices I made, the losses I have suffered, the hardships of my life, the disappointments I don't want to swallow. I keep telling myself that there is something to look forward to, plenty to feel good about but I can't think of any.

Yes, R and V are around and well. That should be all that's necessary, but it isn't. I miss my best friend very badly this week. It's hard not having somebody to talk to, somebody who will talk the blues out of you. V thinks I'm going overboard with the whole blogging thing, that I spend too much time on it. Well, I know that I do, but honestly, I can't focus on my own home this week. It helps to look outside my world, to read about other people and their real problems.

The clothes post expressed a bit of this dissatisfaction, but it's not shopping that I crave. It's change, and a positive feeling and some praise. I just realised that V never says anything positive about me. Perhaps I really don't give him anything to be proud of, but hell, I'm low enough to settle for a couple of white lies. Tell me I made a certain dish well, even if it was only the rice. Don't tell people I barely know that you think I'm nuts, surfing the 'net and smiling over the antics of other people's children. I think the last is what caused it all to come crashing down yesterday. It hurt, even though I knew he was joking, because I had always thought he supported my blogging at least. Blogging was a part of my life before he was.

Some days I feel as though he is steadily erasing every bit of the girl that he married. I know how stupidly paranoid that sounds, and I don't want to go back in time either, but considering that I have practically no support system here in Cal (a family I love, but that's all. Nobody else that I implicitly trust) it would be nice if he took a bit more of an interest in my life. I supported him when his mother attacked his choice of career. I stood by his decisions when my family didn't agree with them. I encouraged him to go for what he believed in. And by that I mean I helped to make it possible, I didn't just hold his hand and tell him that I thought he should go for it. Now that I'm trying to find the old parts of my life once more, I keep hoping he will show a similar interest.

Am I stupid for depending on reading a bundle of stories on the 'net for distraction each day? Probably, especially if you consider that I stay up late doing that and often can't stay awake in the mornings. But I haven't anything else that I want to do either, and the insomnia won't let me sleep.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I miss E. I miss her so much, and I don't know when I'll see her again, and it's hard to accept how far away she is living right now, and I don't seem to find anybody to fill her place, even temporarily.

23 comments:

Mystic Margarita said...

I know how you feel. Maybe I shouldn't bring gender into it, but remember what Byron said? "Man's love is of man's life a part; it is a woman's whole existence." I think most men are not genetically programmed to shower their spouses with appreciation and loving support on a day-to-day level. I've been married almost 6 years and these words of wisdom have been attained after a lot of disillusion and disenchantment. So, stay strong, try to chase the blues away, stay the way you are.

Arthur Quiller Couch said...

Up past midnight and feeling blue. That's a tough one.

Look at it this way, at least you HAVE a friend even if she's half the world away.

Moppet's Mom said...

I go there too, off and on, and I have felt exactly the way you do about the loss of the person I used to be.

But don't be too hard on V - I've found that when I'm in this sort of mood - there's nothing hubs can do that will make it any better. If he doesn't say anything, I fume that he doesn't care, if he does say something I usually read some unintended meaning into it and pick a fight.

Sorry I can't be of much more help other than to say this too will pass....

WishfulThinker said...

I totally get the point about reading about other peoples problems/lives/experiences/
whateveryouwanttocallit. There have been times when I've spent days and days just trawling through the archives of some blogs that I've liked! 'Bout everything else, I can only offer a weak 'this too will pass'. Erm...hope you're all cheery and all of that real soon! :)

SM said...

This is so uncanny, its exactly what I've been feeling today.
"I just realised that V never says anything positive about me. Perhaps I really don't give him anything to be proud of, but hell, I'm low enough to settle for a couple of white lies"
Just a few minutes ago I was telling Prashant that if he can verbalize my negatives so much, he should also learn to verbalize at least half if not an equal amount of my positives. If one can criticise with so much zeal, one should also be able to appreciate with equal enthusiam.
And I question my sanity all the time, spending so much time on blogs.

GettingThereNow said...

I came here (to the commentspace) to see if V left a comment. "He better have!" I thought :P He does read your blog, doesn't he? I thought I saw a comment form him on one of your older posts.

I totally understand what you mean. Even the part about "erasing the girl he married". I am sure he isn't doing it intentionally though.

You know, just a few days ago I fought with J over the same thing? Lack of compliments. I told him that in 12 years of being married to him, I don't remember even ONE occasion when he said somehting complimentary about/to me. He is trying to change now :D Just the day before yesterday he said to me "You are the best" out of the blue. So, there is still hope. Just sort it out with V. Knock him a hard one over the head if you want to, but talk about your feelings. Tell him how you feel. Again and again. Crying a little will help :D (Just kidding! About the crying part)

dipali said...

Guys often are complete morons around expressing their emotions, except when they have ulterior motives, to put it delicately! They also think that having proposed to you and married you, your being loved and cherished is understood- it's done and all. What they don't understand is that we bloody women see things differently and need some affirmation of our worth on a regular basis, especially as we are so often unfamiliar with our new selves- the self that is trying to adjust to the roles of wife, mother, D-i-l etc. The old self gets buried under unfamiliar layers, and all of one's past achievements and knowledge need to get majorly reconfigured to have a place in our new lives. The guy who you marry becomes one pre-occupied soul, who does not realise while his life may have changed a great deal, his wife's has changed even more radically. Loving someone doesn't grant automatic understanding, unfortunately. Life be like this wonly. Women friends rock, and are God's gift to womankind.

romila22 said...

oh I do agree, and I am not even married. It's a bit scary, though, thinking that this might happen with me. It probably will, cuz I already have similar fights, and I feel such rage then, and anything he says triggers off either more tears, or more anger. Can't say I like myself very much then. Though I wish he would understand.

Poppins said...

Oh my dear *Hugs* Every single person goes through this one or the other time.

Is it being a SAHM that's getting to you? I thought I saw a bit of that in your clothes post..

I also feel like I'm working like a donkey and I don't get any compliments either. When you're married for as long as I have been (6 years this November) you will learn to (sadly) take it in your stride. I think. Although looking at Ceekay's comment, I'd have to think otherwise.

Do something for yourself sweetie, like plan a vacation or something. Even if it is only for day or two.

Regarding the blogging obsession I go through it from time to time. I'm on a bit of a mental break right now. Much as I'd hate to say this, take a break from this too. Maybe V's feeling a bit neglected ? Hmm?

Chin up ! This too shall pass.

Grafxgurl said...

well, im here alone, and on my own apart from Ed, so i understand how you feel when you miss someone..

hmm go get a makeover on your own?

karmickids said...

Oh Sue, We are all in the same boat...dont you worry, its a phase and things will get sunny again....Am sure V loves you to bits and probably doesnt realise you need it verbalised (Cmon, the husband's idea of a response to my Iloveyous is a noncommital grunt.) You start the appreciation part from your side, am sure he will pick up and follow your lead...Hugs...

The Marauder's Map said...

I feel exactly the same thing THIS VERY MINUTE. In my case, replace frustration with husband for letting myself be emotionally blackmailed by mother to visit hometown for a month, missing Bangalore terribly, missing my home, my life, my friends, my favourite bookshops and even my daft maid. I'm just hating every minute of being here. I am aware that if only I let up I might begin to like it but I can't seem to stop hating it anyway. Also, I'm finally registering the fact that I've quit work and it's giving me curious panicky sensations. And finally, the kid is driving me crazy refusing to eat every single morsel of solid food that is offered to her and is being a cranky little pest (change of place etc, which is of course making me angrier with my mom than ever).

Whew! That felt good. So hang in there.

Kodi's Mom said...

but does blogging abt it make you feel any better? if so, then negotiate! if not, how abt taking a break from it just for a day or two? clear your thoughts, have a date night, go out and such. on compliments - you could also try reverse psych - shower him with compliments for every move for a whole day. you could tell him you're doing enough for the both of you!!
cheer up, hang in there!

Anitha said...

I know how you feel and I do really miss a friend who will chase my blues away. All my best buddies live far away. The thought of "erasing the girl he married" comes to me often too. When I am in good mood I don't think like this. When I am struggling with something, I expect a little bit of support & appreciation. Hmm... Try to sleep (I know it is tough) if you can. Take a little break from work & blogdom, even if it is a couple of days. Go out shopping, for a movie, do whatever you like, something that distracts your mind. Like Moppet's mom says "this too will pass".

Sue said...

Mystic -- Byron was a classic MCP and I don't subscribe to his theory. :) I don't and I won't!

Couch -- That thought actually comforted me quite a bit, you know.

Moppet's Mom -- That's pretty much what I've been doing too, so your advice to lay off was timely. I don't know how much I managed to take, though.

Wishful -- I'm ok, thanks.

SM -- My point exactly. V doesn't criticise me so much, I admit, but the rest of the world does. I can't ask them to say nice things to me, but I can ask him to take the sting out of their accusations. Because he can do that, you know. He's actually very good at making me feel good about myself.

GTM -- He reads it regularly, but he wouldn't comment on a post like this. :) I don't expect him to either. I think I overdid the crying, to be strictly truthful!

Dipali -- Thanks for the sms. It helps to remind me that I'm going overboard with the self-pity...

Romila -- But this is only one side of marriage, you know.

Poppin's Mom -- I do think it's the SAHM thing, actually. Or rather, the transition back to part-time work. It's frustrating, trying to work and then having to run back home. But you know.

Grafx -- Nah, not me. My blog perhaps. Couldn't mail because of family events in quick succession. Will now.

Kiran -- I know, I'm such a nag, I sour my own day... I really need to get out more, that always perks me up.

Shrabonti -- I didn't know you were still around! Left your job, huh? Welcome to my life. It has its positives, but you've to hunt the bloody things down.

Anaatha -- (I like calling you that) I could try that, but I'm not sure it would work. He'd just look mystified in all probability.

Anitha -- Thanks for the suggestions but I'm afraid a break is not possible right now. V's very busy and so am I. Would love a holida, though. *Sigh*

ruby tuesday said...

it's hard for a brillint person to feel like having nothing to do, but don't you think you're giving yourself and your life a little less credit than you deserve? take all the work for bn you've been doing, which you seem to hardly ever mention on the blog. it's not exactly child's play, y'know.

besides - this may sound stupid and sycophantic - but i've been reading your blog since forever, and i've always thought you to be so amazing. i'm sure a lot of others (invisible or not) would agree. doesn't it all add up to something?

dipali said...

Sensible Sue- self pity should be avoided like the plague! Though that's easier said than done.
Have you found that when you are cheerful The Bhablet is also easier to manage and a happier child?
I guess endorphins and serotonin levels etc. have a great role to play, but maybe by pretending happiness the right biochemicals just might get generated...
I am a great believer in the healing powers of chocolate and of exercising and walking- even a little lane with trees is good.
Hope you're feeling better anyway:)

romila22 said...

Thanks. I certainly hope it is. It's so easy to classify men and women as different species, but then you wonder what it is with the guy.

Lady Latte said...

I do not mean to be evil by saying that I am happily married. I just want to give you a perspective. There were times when we had rough spots to go through and then I could not remember one thing that was good about us, or our lives. The emotions are so strong that reason cannot stop them.

Give it some time and then try to talk about how to make some changes that will brighten your days!

All the best!

Sue said...

Ruby -- I wasn't fishing but it's always nice to land a big one. Thank you. :)

Dipali -- Yes, my mother pointed out that link to me. Have either of you considered that I notice his pranks and crankiness less if I am chirpier?

The bad thing about being depressed is that getting out of the house seems too much of an effort. Hardly any trees around where we live to make it worthwhile too.

Days are sunny once more though, so alles gut.

Romila -- But they are not different species. I think both sexes get too much leeway into bad behaviour with that excuse. "Oh we must overlook this sort of thing because we all know men/women are like that only." Rubbish.

Latte -- It was the time that was needed, and time that we took, and it seems ok once more. Till the next time. When I guess time again will fix it. Time and V.

the mad momma said...

I'm glad I read to the last comment before jumping in with a 'me too'. but its true. no damn trees around me. getting down from the third floor with two children is tiring and scary... and aarrrghhh... same fight we had two nights ago.

besides.. have you ever wondered - why you and i chat every night? we're living the same life. tight budgets, strict control freak issues, writing from home, children, minds that miss the interaction with the outside world and the only way to get it thru bloggy pals. hang in there.

Beq said...

And then I sent you Lola!! Boy a I proud of meself!

Sue said...

MM -- Thanks, buddy.

Beq -- Ditto. :)