This week, I do. I have been picking fights with V, been extremely short-tempered with The Bhablet, have only been doing as much household work as I absolutely have to do, and have been pretty rude to a lot of people.
I don't know why I'm doing that, but I wish I would stop.
I can only see the negatives in my life this week, the sacrifices I made, the losses I have suffered, the hardships of my life, the disappointments I don't want to swallow. I keep telling myself that there is something to look forward to, plenty to feel good about but I can't think of any.
Yes, R and V are around and well. That should be all that's necessary, but it isn't. I miss my best friend very badly this week. It's hard not having somebody to talk to, somebody who will talk the blues out of you. V thinks I'm going overboard with the whole blogging thing, that I spend too much time on it. Well, I know that I do, but honestly, I can't focus on my own home this week. It helps to look outside my world, to read about other people and their real problems.
The clothes post expressed a bit of this dissatisfaction, but it's not shopping that I crave. It's change, and a positive feeling and some praise. I just realised that V never says anything positive about me. Perhaps I really don't give him anything to be proud of, but hell, I'm low enough to settle for a couple of white lies. Tell me I made a certain dish well, even if it was only the rice. Don't tell people I barely know that you think I'm nuts, surfing the 'net and smiling over the antics of other people's children. I think the last is what caused it all to come crashing down yesterday. It hurt, even though I knew he was joking, because I had always thought he supported my blogging at least. Blogging was a part of my life before he was.
Some days I feel as though he is steadily erasing every bit of the girl that he married. I know how stupidly paranoid that sounds, and I don't want to go back in time either, but considering that I have practically no support system here in Cal (a family I love, but that's all. Nobody else that I implicitly trust) it would be nice if he took a bit more of an interest in my life. I supported him when his mother attacked his choice of career. I stood by his decisions when my family didn't agree with them. I encouraged him to go for what he believed in. And by that I mean I helped to make it possible, I didn't just hold his hand and tell him that I thought he should go for it. Now that I'm trying to find the old parts of my life once more, I keep hoping he will show a similar interest.
Am I stupid for depending on reading a bundle of stories on the 'net for distraction each day? Probably, especially if you consider that I stay up late doing that and often can't stay awake in the mornings. But I haven't anything else that I want to do either, and the insomnia won't let me sleep.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I miss E. I miss her so much, and I don't know when I'll see her again, and it's hard to accept how far away she is living right now, and I don't seem to find anybody to fill her place, even temporarily.