Monday, June 11, 2007

The Cappucino Years Already?

The more famous Sue wrote (as Adrian Mole):

"I sometimes wish I wasn't a parent, even when I am alone I carry [my children] with me, across my shoulders and inside my heart."

I should be asleep right now, but parenting hurts too much tonight. It hurts me in my tummy, which gets kicked all day; it hurts me in my breasts, from a little tooth only just venturing out; it hurts me in my wrists, injured and needing surgery soon; and it hurts me with a cold and vicious guilt inside me, keeping me up bleary-eyed and restless.

I learnt, oh, years ago, that loving hurts. Loving your parents hurt, when they let you grow up (and even when they don't). Loving a sibling hurts, if your sibling is my brother. And loving somebody outside the circle, somebody you went and decided to love, that hurts too, especially inside your chest, for utterly inexplicable reasons, mostly when they turn away. But I swear loving your baby hurts worst of all. Loving a perfect little thing and yet being perfectly ready and willing to hold a pillow down over his head until he stops wailing. Being distraught with guilt and resentment when you are told that the reason he is so clingy is because you have spent so much time away these last two days -- when you have pretty much put whatever made up your life for 20 odd years on hold because of him.

And yet, despite the pain and the resentment, I can't walk away. Nobody knows him and his temperament like I do. They only love him but I know my son. And knowing him as I do, I carry him inside me still. Even when he's asleep in his cot, stirring restlessly in the heat, even when his lips part ever so slightly as he breathes, he is really inside me, in the deepest reaches of my heart, a little boy I will never let go.

Love hurts, and tonight, I just wish it would stop and let me sleep.

16 comments:

Moppet's Mom said...

Oh my. Perfect post.

the mad momma said...

hot on the heels of my homicidal post... lets kill them all so that we have company at tihar.

romila22 said...

oh, i agree, that it hurts when someone you love turnds away.

Mystic Margarita said...

Beautiful post...you've made me cry.
Mystic Margarita

Sue said...

Moppet's Mom -- It did catch the way I felt.

MM -- Call me on a bad day and we'll co-ordinate. Or call me at dinnertime any night, ditto.

Romila -- And even more when you're the one turning away, because then there's the guilt as well. Ah, life.

Mystic -- Aw, don't. I stopped as soon as I finished typing.

Rimi said...

The scary bit is, now you sound exactly like my cousin. This is not an association I thought I'd ever make.

My aunt and my mom assures her this eases up once the baby ceases to be a baby, though. I'll wait for your op. on that one.

that girl in pink said...

that's beautifully written sue. you've actually managed to describe what they say is an indescribable connection between mums and kids.

loverly!

Grafxgurl said...

sorry i saw your comment sooooooooooo late. im such a bum.

anyways. id be happy to do up your blog with a new look if you like!! let me know if not. im gonna go back to being a bum.

Grafxgurl said...

make sure you DO let him go when he finds a girl to marry. or else you'll join the bandwagon of pesky mother in laws!!!!!

Opaline said...

B will read this when he's older and give you a biiig hug. =)

The Piper said...

Hello. No I don't think you know me, even through somebody :) I've been a reader for awhile though.

Sue said...

Rimi -- Well, even The Bhaeblet has his points.

Being woken by a tugging at your hair is not nice, but the delighted chortle and the gummy grin that follow make it a little easier to bear, if you know what I mean.

Pink -- That's quite a compliment and I thank you.

Grafx -- Lol, no fear of that. He'll slip away as soon as he can, is too much of an MCP to let me rule his life.

Srin -- Nope. By the time he reaches this post he'll probably have already run to the courts to sue me.

Piper -- Oh ok, just wondered. Welcome aboard.

DotThoughts said...

what a beautiful post sue!

Sue said...

Thanks, Dottie.

Avanti Sané said...

You said it. Loved the post.

Sue said...

Avanti -- :) Yeah, you should know pretty much what I'm talking about! It gets better. Comparatively.