Saturday, May 12, 2007

Understand what I’ve become, it wasn't by design

This time last year I was as close to being suicidal as I've ever been. Did it show in this blog? Probably not. It never has. But this time last year things were miserable between V and me, thanks in part to previous misunderstandings, in part to his family and I suppose in some part due to settling down blues. It takes time for marriages to settle down, I was told, but mine seemed to be taking a really long time to be getting anywhere positive.

And yet, and yet... despite the traumas of parenthood and sleep deprivation (yeah, me favourite complaint), I do think I'm happier than I'd hoped or thought I could be. While The Bhaeblet is obviously one of my main sources of joy (and trauma), his father also does a lot in making me happy. This time last year I was beginning to lose hope in us ever reaching the understanding we currently share. V and I still fight like cats and dogs. Nor will I attempt to justify this by claiming that all marriages need their share of fights. But the difference between our fights last year and our fights now is that there is a little less hidden resentment. If I'm upset I do try to tell him just what is bugging me, even if it his family or any other such sensitive topic. I don't know about you, but I've discovered that it's easier for me to get something off my chest and then deal with it than letting it fester by keeping a lid on it.

When we got married I wanted things to be much as they were between V and me pre-marriage. I wanted to keep the independence I'd fought so hard to gain. I wanted to be a good daughter-in-law, you know, dutiful and so on. Because, in the heart of me, I'm just that old-fashioned. Not conservative, but yes, old-fashioned. None of that worked out.

As a great aunt of mine had predicted, once we were married V stopped buying me little surprises. I stopped writing him funny little letters. We both got caught up in the family maelstrom and lost out on a lot of happiness. His mother hated me and broadcast that to the world. My family instantly decided I was to blame for the situation and made matters worse. These things are not an auspicious start to a marriage. Add an unplanned and far too early (??) pregnancy and it no longer needs explaining why I stopped trying to be what I'd wanted.

And then along came a Bhaeblet and changed all the rules all over again. V and I just been getting into the swing of being a married couple, and suddenly we were parents. No more privacy and no more energy and no more time to ourselves. Suddenly the world revolved around a revolting little bundle. In these last eight odd months V and I have come a long way, I think.

I'm not the patient, understanding, loving mother I thought I would be. I'm as likely to smack The Bhaeblet (if he bugs me) as I am to hug him silly (if I think he needs it). I don't always get his meals bang on time -- but I do take him swimming. Nor do I score very high on the kind of wife I wanted to be. But you see, that's because that was the kind of wife I wanted to be. The tense here is very important because it took me not very long to realise that V needed a slightly different kind of wife altogether.

So yeah, I didn't set out to be the woman I am now. But hey, as a product of my circumstances I think I'm doing as well as can be expected. And best of all, we're mostly happy with it.


Loony Libberswick of Llapland said...

you do know you're a rockstar right?

First Rain said...

Hope the understanding keeps getting better and better!

Hiren Daftari said...

You rocks!!! Really great piece of work.

But what can I say in short and sweet way is:
"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so let us all be thankful." ~ Gautama Buddha

Rohini said...

That was really awesome. This might actually be the first documented case of having a baby making a marriage stronger - usually the trauma of parenthood just serves to make thing worse. It's sure to get only better.

J. Alfred Prufrock said...

Fight all you need to, as long as there's a whopping big cuddle and kiss afterwards.
Works every time. (And I hope you don't live with his family, that would be the Seventh Level of Hell)


Rimi said...

Considering how much of life inadvertently slips into posts, it's miraculous how normal my posts from a certain period sound. A mirror of life, my bloody left foot. Or maybe we've mastered facades really that well.

Dubious talent, that.

I'm so happy for V and you, really I am. The one aspect of your marriage and parenthood that you probably didn't realise was the fodder it provided to people who had absolutely NO clue about you or your life, but knew you by virtue of being in the same department. It's amazing the things people will casually say regarding people and matters that do not concern them in any possible way.

Sue said...

Loony -- Sure :)

First Rain -- So do I!

Hiren -- Yes, I try to count my blessings.

Rohini -- I don't know really. A baby does plenty to bring you together. For instance, when you both start hiding from it. :)

JAP -- No, we moved out. That's what caused all the trouble! Anyway, it's cool with everybody now, so whew!

Rimi -- You need to say more. Like who said what exactly. Come on, I could always use a laugh.

Rimi said...

Sure. People dancing on my entrails should be hilarious :P

I'll mail you this one particular line that refuses to budge from memory, though. Buggered if I can remember who said it.

M (tread softly upon) said...

Very nicely written Sue. And you survived it all. That in itslef sepaks volumes. So congrats and take care.