Friday, February 16, 2007

How I Have Been Spending My Time

It's been nearly a month since I posted. I've been told that a lot -- but I knew it anyway, see. The thing is, motherhood only just caught up with me in the nicest possible way.

It's a funny thing, this change of life. When Rahul was born, apart from the awe, I'm afraid my feelings were on the shallow side: I remember going to sleep that first night thinking, "How on earth did V and I produce a child so handsome?" And he was so perfect, you know, with perfectly red little lips, and so much hair, and such cute little hands. Afterwards, for the first 7, 8 weeks, as we got better acquainted, I found it hard to treat him as the very little baby he actually was. The boy had so much personality, and such forceful ways of his own, it was like dealing with someone my own age. So I found it hard that, for all that, he still wouldn't 'listen to reason' or 'do as he was told'. It's only now that he is edging towards his fifth month (and his rice ceremony) that I play with him all day, and find bits of my patience returning to me, and, well, enjoy his babyhood, if you know what I mean.

When he stays up howling of nights I still have second thoughts about having any more children -- but I no longer want to bundle him up in a garbage bag and throw The Bhaeblet out of the window.

And it's so absorbing. When I fight with V or am unhappy with the world or am just very tired, I still enjoy playing with him and talking to him. I begin to see the therapeutic possibilities of babies.

I remember, all through his first and second months I could hardly wait to get out of the house, even if that meant leaving Rahul with somebody else. Now though it's a wrench, and it's easier for me to take him with me wherever I go, than wonder if he's well and happy wherever I have left him.

It's like falling in love all over again. You know the person's faults and you have your issues, but you're willing to take it all anyway. And I know I don't love him because I gave birth to him or because I see him every day or because he's cute or any of those things. I love him because I know him. Whatever he grows up to be, and however soon he decides he doesn't need my apron strings, he'll still be this perfect person I learnt to love so completely. At times I worried, because I didn't want to be one of those possessive mothers. I don't think I'll get the chance to be that. Rahul is very much his own person and a very social little being at that. He likes company and is free with his affections. So right from the beginning I learnt to share him.

Kids are salutary lessons, I say!


Rohini said...

Nicely put. Completely in tune with what you wrote. I too felt a turning point at 5-6 months when Ayaan became the love of my life rather than someone I had to protect and nurture.

Beq said...

I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him, an I want to take him fly-fishing (I'll have to learn it though)

Sunayana Roy said...

Rohini - Makes a big difference, doesn't it?

Beq - Well, you have some years in hand.