Was watching Fools Rush In, one of my favourite movies. It's realistic and magical all at once. Ok, maybe magical is too strong a word, but it's about a kind of romantic magic you really feel can happen; and it has Matthew Perry in it -- 2 reasons to make me watch it every time I catch it on tv.
The girl, Isabel, lies to her husband in order to drive him off. Later she rationalises that by saying she had to leave before he did, because she wouldn't be able to take it otherwise. Makes me think of the two relationships where I left. I always did feel bad for the men involved. Not because I thought they lost a great deal but because it must suck to be the one wondering what you did wrong. I left though, because I always run. Anything goes wrong and I leave. Somehow, I believe things will always be better in a new place. That distance helps heal wounds. That new people in a new place will be best for a fresh start. Even when I know that these things don't necessarily work, I hope they will and that hope is good enough to keep me wanting to run.
Wonder why I do that?
And yet, as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be held, to have something to make me stay. I've never really been able to walk away when I wanted to. Mostly, I run and come back, hating myself for running, and run again and come back again, and keep on doing that until one fine day I run far enough away to be able to stay away. But all I want to do is find myself a place to call home and stay in it.
That's why I wanted to have a family of my own. Make that a husband/ partner I can trust implicitly. Your children will grow up and go away to lead lives of their own (they'd better cos I ain't supporting them all my life) but your husband stays. In theory at least. And I know that's what everybody wants, but for me, trust just doesn't come easy. One lie leaves me convinced everything else was a lie too, even if I have no reason to think it was. One lie leaves me thinking this is not the relationship I wanted -- so what I'm looking for must lie somewhere else. That's where the running away part comes in, in logical sequence.
But I wanted a husband all the same, because I thought, since I do believe in marriage, a commitment that strong would make me stay and keep me steady. I may not make that commitment willingly, but once it's made, would I break it lightly? It remains to be seen, of course. V and I haven't even been married a year. But I keep my fingers crossed and hope I don't let myself down.