Wednesday, December 06, 2006

And I'll Turn Right Back Around

Was watching Fools Rush In, one of my favourite movies. It's realistic and magical all at once. Ok, maybe magical is too strong a word, but it's about a kind of romantic magic you really feel can happen; and it has Matthew Perry in it -- 2 reasons to make me watch it every time I catch it on tv.

The girl, Isabel, lies to her husband in order to drive him off. Later she rationalises that by saying she had to leave before he did, because she wouldn't be able to take it otherwise. Makes me think of the two relationships where I left. I always did feel bad for the men involved. Not because I thought they lost a great deal but because it must suck to be the one wondering what you did wrong. I left though, because I always run. Anything goes wrong and I leave. Somehow, I believe things will always be better in a new place. That distance helps heal wounds. That new people in a new place will be best for a fresh start. Even when I know that these things don't necessarily work, I hope they will and that hope is good enough to keep me wanting to run.

Wonder why I do that?

And yet, as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be held, to have something to make me stay. I've never really been able to walk away when I wanted to. Mostly, I run and come back, hating myself for running, and run again and come back again, and keep on doing that until one fine day I run far enough away to be able to stay away. But all I want to do is find myself a place to call home and stay in it.

That's why I wanted to have a family of my own. Make that a husband/ partner I can trust implicitly. Your children will grow up and go away to lead lives of their own (they'd better cos I ain't supporting them all my life) but your husband stays. In theory at least. And I know that's what everybody wants, but for me, trust just doesn't come easy. One lie leaves me convinced everything else was a lie too, even if I have no reason to think it was. One lie leaves me thinking this is not the relationship I wanted -- so what I'm looking for must lie somewhere else. That's where the running away part comes in, in logical sequence.

But I wanted a husband all the same, because I thought, since I do believe in marriage, a commitment that strong would make me stay and keep me steady. I may not make that commitment willingly, but once it's made, would I break it lightly? It remains to be seen, of course. V and I haven't even been married a year. But I keep my fingers crossed and hope I don't let myself down.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

i could relate to this.. a lot. the only diff being that i continued to run even after marriage. one argument and i was running.. away from hubby..away from solutions.. each time returning with a vow never to run again. after four years of marriage.. i have finally outgrown the habit :)
rs

Anonymous said...

you are right. it really sucks to wonder what one did wrong. any explanation-even a silly, stupid one- would have lessened the hurt, and lightened the heart. but no! when one runs, one doesn't stop to think what kind of a wreck the person one is leaving behind is going to be.

u have been lucky. very very lucky.

--someone who got over the wondering, much wounded.

Sue said...

RS - Well, there's hope for me, then.

Anon - Well, I do know what it's like being left. And no, sometimes an explanation can make things even worse. It really comes down to time and life helping you get over it. Don't worry, you will.

Rimi said...

At least you have the nerve to be in a relationship. Me, I always say there are no men around and that's true too, but on the VERY rare occasion I do meet someone they inevitably hint of long term plans on the second or even first date, and next thing you know, I've gone poof.

And unlike someone I know, I'd detest the idea of a life led alone. In fact, I'd like to be with someone right now.

Nice cosy little place to be in, isn't it?

P.S: Screw exams.

panu said...

I've never really been able to walk away when I wanted to. Mostly, I run and come back, hating myself for running, and run again and come back again, and keep on doing that until one fine day I run far enough away to be able to stay away. But all I want to do is find myself a place to call home and stay in it.


So true. its such a shame we cant get what we want..........

such a shame

Grafxgurl said...

(Because im SO much like you its scary)... people tend to leave when se see something as less than perfect...something that would mar the perfect marriage situation ..

BECAUSE you think about all of this...it WILL last.

Most of the time.. when marriages fail. its the person just thinking about Themselves. and not about the other person involved in the "team"

Now that youre in a marriage..you might feel frustrated at times....but i dont think you'll break.

M (tread softly upon) said...

You know what? This sort of reminds me of the 'Runaway Bride'. And strangely enough I know exactly what you are saying. I guess what you're talking about here is called insecurities. I have that too. The urge to trust and hold on. And be held. And yet crazy insecurities. That scare me. Sometimes me scare me off. And makes me wonder about myself and how real relationships are. How committed I am in anything. Wondered about how it would be to be ina relation and be able to believe in it. And it happened. So stop second guessing what's in your heart. And for all your know you're just going through baby-blues :)

Sue said...

Rimi - If it helps -- I'm still scared of commitment. I try not to let it rule my life, though.

Panu - Sometimes though, I'm not very sure just what I want.

Grafx - Scared you, huh? :) I guess we'll both be fine.

M - Yep, insecurities it is. Bred by failed relationships, in-law troubles and cyclic depression. Baby blues were different. Didn't blog about that.