V left yesterday. He's gone back to Cal, leaving me at my parents' mercies for the next six weeks. Not to mention having to take on WB all by myself.
I could just sit down and howl, thinking of it. I can manage staying up half the night, maybe even make it till the morning. But I cannot wake the morning too, and handle a howling baby and feed and soothe him. Besides, I've got kinda used to having somebody wait on me, and now I actually have to get my own glasses of water and things like that. Most depressing.
And yet, despite feeling sorry for myself, I'm a little relieved. I have grown so accustomed to his face, to having him around, I've got out of my habit of independent thought. I have focused so hard on him and his life, I've made things claustrophobic for both of us. Now though, I am letting go. And it's not as hard as I thought it would be. Alongside that, I also try not to get too wrapped up in the son and heir. I'm afraid I'm spoiling him a little more than I would, 'cause of his father not being there, thereby leaving some spoiling to be made up, (well, why else would I do it? Huh?) but I try not to worry about him so much.
Babies are worrying things, you know. Especially if you happen to be a champion in this fine art. I worry that WB doesn't feed enough (even though the paediatrician said that demand feeding is all about days when all he'll want is to feed, and other days when he'll hardly have anything at all) because his weight gain is negligible -- 400 gm in five weeks; when he has manic feeding phases like yesterday morning, I worry he'll stuff himself to death, like Gerry Durrell's baby hedgehogs.
I worry that he's too cold because his hands and feet get exposed with his restless turnings as he sleeps. When I put him into feet-covering rompers, I worry he's too warm and will sweat and catch a cold anyway. I worry that baby talk will leave him incapable of clear speech as he gets older, and I also worry that too much grown-up language will deprive him of a happy childhood. I worry that he gets too dirty and also that perhaps I keep him too clean and am not giving him a chance to develop his immunity.
You see, this worrying thing is a fairly simple task for a hardened pro like yours truly. So when I attempt to rehabilitate myself, there really is a lot of work to do.