Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Blessing, Huh?

Decidedly, adversity, mine that is, does not bring out the best in me. I’m rather good at helping out folks who have problems, but when the problems are my own, it is my worst side that comes uppermost. Oh well, never claimed to be perfect.

The thought that has single-handedly ruined my peace of mind for months now is, what happened to the me I was last year? I was neurotic and depressed, but hey, I’m always both in some form or another. I was also free. The other evening I woke up from one of my ‘power naps’ feeling utterly disoriented, and in a way, almost schizophrenic. I’d woken up expecting to see my old room, in the flat I lived in while at Uni. I woke up making plans about meeting friends and classes to do, only to find myself much-married, pregnant and well, really depressed, if you must know.

It was too many things all on top of each other, perhaps. I did want kids, and I wanted to start one this year maybe. But now it feels like I’ve not stopped feeling ill and weak since the typhoid last December. Considering I’ve been carrying F since Jan, I guess that’s not so far off. Besides, the news of F being on the way seems to have had a rather negative influence on the in-laws. And sometimes I think, V and I hardly got any time with each other. Four months after the marriage I was back staying with my mum. He was there too, but it’s not the same thing, is it?

I was ok with being a mum, all the same. I figure kids can be fun, and really, giving up the job was not so tough. What continues to sting is the loss of my personal income, having to depend on somebody else to get my meals, things like that. Sometimes it all gets too claustrophobic to bear. Puja is coming and I can’t go around the shops. There are evenings when I stare outside the window watching the world go by and pretend to myself that any second now I’ll put on some nice clothes and go join the crowds. Days when I cover the full-length mirror because I don’t want the constant reminder of my ungainliness. How come they don’t discuss this in Everywoman?

I really don’t think I’ll end up what Vijeyta calls an Uber Mom. Or even a Mean Married Monster. V cares for his own personal space far too strongly for me to ever make him the sum total of my universe, and anyway, there are lots of things in my life he will never be a part of, by mutual agreement. The Uber Mom remains to be seen, but again, I’ve never been one for spoiling children. Somehow, the sight of a misbehaving kid brings out the sternest part of me – as Beq will have experienced time and again, no doubt. And V and I agree that kids dancing to tacky songs on the telly is just plain crass. Also that the tv and computers are our provinces, not the children’s. From the appearance of things, F has quite a will of his/her/its own already. But then, for a few years F’ll only be a dumb kid and I intend to make the possible use of that time. I say that with confidence, because I had the best possible example shown to me. Meri paas Ma thi.


Grafxgurl said...

well... they do say pregnancy leaves your brain a little imbalanced... i guess once youver delivered you will be alright...

i dunno..right now.. me and A.. we struggle through a few issues ourselves... mostly about the fact that he needs to realise he is married and now has to stop living like a bachelor...we JUST had a huge fight....justso many issues...its scary how different even like minded people can be.

Hugs.YES ! its PAY BACK TIME when your kid is still unable to vent at you!

WishfulThinker said...

I really should hit the bleady 'refresh' button more often...I totally missed this post and the last one and I've been checking everyday (more than once, I'll have you know!) since your return! :) And as for the rest, I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about! I mean, kids and marraiges and being kicked in the tummy (and that too from inside!) and mommahood ain't exactly topics I know a lot about although notwithstanding which I think this comment has to be the longest ever of mine on your blog no? Anyways, hope you feel better real soon and all that jazz music and pliss to be telling F not to kick his momma yo! Now I'm sure that this comment is definitely the longest!! Muhahahahaha!!! Smile now! :D

indianpeppone said...

where r the sunny days????? at least there seems to be a few rays struggling thru.... :)

Buck up girl

Sue said...

Grafx - Unbalanced about sums it up. Physically too :)

Wishful - :) There's your smile. And by the time I'm done, I'm sure you'll know enough about pregnancy to never inflict it on the woman you love. Adopt kids!

Peppone - It's been raining for ever here in Cal. I guess it reflects. Anyway, I'm having a better day today.

Kanchan said...

Hey Sue, found your blog while doing some reading over typhoid ! Don't ask how ! But here is the darnest thing, I had typhoid in Dec '05 and immediately got pregnant the Jan after...meaning I delivered my bundle of joy in Oct '06. Looks like a darn coincidence !

*goes off to read the rest of the blog digging for surprises*

Sue said...

Kanchan -- :) Same pinch and all that.