The thought that has single-handedly ruined my peace of mind for months now is, what happened to the me I was last year? I was neurotic and depressed, but hey, I’m always both in some form or another. I was also free. The other evening I woke up from one of my ‘power naps’ feeling utterly disoriented, and in a way, almost schizophrenic. I’d woken up expecting to see my old room, in the flat I lived in while at Uni. I woke up making plans about meeting friends and classes to do, only to find myself much-married, pregnant and well, really depressed, if you must know.
It was too many things all on top of each other, perhaps. I did want kids, and I wanted to start one this year maybe. But now it feels like I’ve not stopped feeling ill and weak since the typhoid last December. Considering I’ve been carrying F since Jan, I guess that’s not so far off. Besides, the news of F being on the way seems to have had a rather negative influence on the in-laws. And sometimes I think, V and I hardly got any time with each other. Four months after the marriage I was back staying with my mum. He was there too, but it’s not the same thing, is it?
I was ok with being a mum, all the same. I figure kids can be fun, and really, giving up the job was not so tough. What continues to sting is the loss of my personal income, having to depend on somebody else to get my meals, things like that. Sometimes it all gets too claustrophobic to bear. Puja is coming and I can’t go around the shops. There are evenings when I stare outside the window watching the world go by and pretend to myself that any second now I’ll put on some nice clothes and go join the crowds. Days when I cover the full-length mirror because I don’t want the constant reminder of my ungainliness. How come they don’t discuss this in Everywoman?
I really don’t think I’ll end up what Vijeyta calls an Uber Mom. Or even a Mean Married Monster. V cares for his own personal space far too strongly for me to ever make him the sum total of my universe, and anyway, there are lots of things in my life he will never be a part of, by mutual agreement. The Uber Mom remains to be seen, but again, I’ve never been one for spoiling children. Somehow, the sight of a misbehaving kid brings out the sternest part of me – as Beq will have experienced time and again, no doubt. And V and I agree that kids dancing to tacky songs on the telly is just plain crass. Also that the tv and computers are our provinces, not the children’s. From the appearance of things, F has quite a will of his/her/its own already. But then, for a few years F’ll only be a dumb kid and I intend to make the possible use of that time. I say that with confidence, because I had the best possible example shown to me. Meri paas Ma thi.