Sunday, May 29, 2005

I experienced a very nice feeling today. To explain it, I must describe my day so far. Somehow dragged myself awake and made it to Ranikuthi-dadu's memorial service (at Ranikuthi, but of course). Got so depressed there that I ran away after an hour. Met the family there, including Mithi and Medha, by the way. Didi's slimmed again, while Munia's put on weight. Tua told me about her kaora viva, what with Tintin asking her to translate something into Nadsat...

I came home so darn unhappy, that I went straight to bed and stayed there till lunchtime. But lunch was delicious, shorshe ilish and mangsho. Yummy. And afterwards I read a really bad M&B till it was time to leave for work. After finishing the book I was lying on the floor staring blankly at the ceiling and suddenly I had this feeling, of a faint sense of anticipation. Maybe I will meet somebody nice. Maybe something good will happen to me. Maybe, just maybe, I will get to meet Ghocha.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

I was engaged in a very interesting exercise right now. I was deconstructing my own blogs. Given that I have the additional info of just how the author felt when she wrote these entries, it's fun reading between my own lines and seeing what I end up actually saying. That's why Beq and I enjoy each other's poetry, maybe. We know the stories behind the poems, sometimes.

I don't like going on like this. I just don't know what to do about it. I have tried to be strong, but I can't, not without a place I can hide in once in a while. I tried to give in to the sadness and bitterness and let it work itself out, but that didn't work either. I just kept on feeling sad and bitter. And once I start crying, I don't seem to be able to stop. The last time, I cried on and off, quietly, almost effortlessly, for two days and nights. I tried to pretend that none of it happened, but how can I of all people even begin to believe that?

I could call up Esha or Beq when I feel like this, but she has enough problems of her own and he just feels frustrated because he is so far away and can't do much about how I feel. Actually, it does help to talk to him.

I shocked our office concierge (caretaker) today. Shankarbhaiya has a soft corner for me, I know, and he was unhappy to see me so upset. But when he saw me smoking, he was downright alarmed! Came after me and asked me why I was so upset, and what was I thinking of, picking up habits I didn't have! Oh dear... it was actually so funny, that cheered me up! What a nasty little person I can be.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Poor little rich girl. That seems to be my recurring motif. And when I look out on the streets I see enough to make me thankful that I'm me and not some other girl condemned to a life without the luxuries I have. Cal's a good place to feel this humble. The streets are full of sad people.
That's why I like September. There's the feeling of Puja in the air and everybody seems happier than they are wont to be. The people in the buses even smile and chat with one another. It's a pleasant time, if somewhat hectic, to be in the city.
I want to be home though, back in Chennai. I want to feel like I belong somewhere, even if I know it's just an illusion and will be shattered as soon as Baba and I fight the first time. Ma has taken to defending me. It sounds bad to say this, but it did surprise me when she started. I'm just not used to anybody doing that. Not anybody I'm related to, I mean. But she does now, and doesn't mince her words. When Baba and Chhotopishi started on the clothes I wear (a fruitful topic) she asked them why it was that everybody felt so comfortable about criticising her daughter when she doesn't go around saying such things about theirs. That shut them up. It felt good when she told me that, yet it does come late in the day. All my life I have been told that if my conduct is right, it doesn't matter what anybody says about it, for eventually justice will prevail. I don't think it works out that way, somehow. People say what they feel like saying. The bitchy ones, like David, intend to create mischief; and the foolish ones, like Mejopishi, because they don't always realise how far their words go. And yet, I wonder if the foolish ones don't do more harm, because they are forgiven by virtue of being foolish and are therefore at liberty to continue saying whatever they want as long as they want. At least, the mischief-makers are eventually found out and labelled, and their words taken accordingly. How many of them parade under the mask of being foolish? Khurima does, and well I know how prettily she extricates herself from the consequences of her mischief-making.
I used to feel so trapped among them all, but I don't any more. The hell I live in I have created myself and nobody can really harm me any more than they can help. Sometimes, just sometimes, I should like to scream as loudly as I could, and not have to explain myself or the scream to anybody. But I cannot do a thing, including sleep and wake, without having to defend that or explain it to somebody. I wonder if they realise how such behaviour shows bad manners rather than good hospitality?

Sunday, May 08, 2005

I can, too. I think I finally feel like I'm strong enough. After days of mooching around feeling sorry for myself, I'm feeling a whole lotta better now. As the guys would say, "You go, girl!" ;-)
I miss acting as I used to know it. Immersing myself into being somebody else, no matter for how short a period, was a form of release from the life I lead. The kind of acting that Call Cutta calls for is more dangerous, because it blurs the lines between who you are and who you are supposed to be. When you chat with a sympathetic, disembodied voice, sometimes there’s the urge to confide more than I ought. I suppose I need someone to confide in, not just to unburden but maybe also to let them help me. I was a fool to think I could get by with Vicky; he’s too close to the source of hurt.
Was I always this quiet? At twenty-two I feel as though I’ve come a full circle: from the quiet and sulky kid I used to be I’ve become a quiet and lonely adult. I used to sulk because I felt nobody understood me. Now I’m lonely because I know nobody will, because nobody has the time. Somewhere in between I remember I used to be this exuberant brat, singing and laughing and talking at the top of her voice so that people would wince just to see me coming. But talking is a futile gesture anyway, what would I say with nobody to say it to?
Having been a secret optimist all my life, it’s rather shattering to find myself questioning the very hopefulness that has kept me going so far. Nothing feels like it has been worth the trouble. Particularly this morning, I realized how accustomed I’ve become to giving in. The last one year has not been good for my get-up-and-go! It’s time to pare my life back to essentials, to living out of the one big bag, to keep only what I need and not what I think I want. That has always helped. I just need to do it again.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Dear World,
I make too much of my life. I expect too much out of it and am too disappointed when it lets me down. This handsome admission I make now, because I want the world to know that whatever else my faults are, I am at least honest, if only with my own self.
I'm living in Santoshpur now. It's ok. Could be much worse. I just wish people wouldn't stay up for me, or prepare meals or do stuff like that because they invariably expect me to reciprocate. And I have so completely got out of the habit of living with another person.
I'm counting the days till I leave Cal. Because I want to leave and also because then I will start missing that stupid old Joe of mine. Sometimes, like exams, you want the pain to begin *now* so that it can also end quicker. And I only have about 2 more weeks of JU left. What am I going to do? Where am I going to go? (For the uninitiated, that was a direct quote from Mejopishi's distraught mutterings when told that Anindyakaku was coming back to live in Cal. Heh heh heh)
Talking of A'kaku, he called me up the other day. Was asking me where I am and how I am. Mejdida said, on Sunday, when he and Mejopishi dropped by, he looked upset. Why do so many people get hurt by what I do? The old question of innocent bystanders etc... but then, a little voice says inside me, why couldn't he do anything while it was all building up? A pointless line to take. No, things are better the way they have worked out. I need these occasional lessons in humility. Takes me quite a while to get the message, anyway.
Oh but I want to be home in Chennai, lazing my days away sleeping or reading books I know already, or just eating the food I like. I want a holiday. Stomp stomp STOMP! (That's me throwing a tantrum.)