Saturday, May 28, 2005

I was engaged in a very interesting exercise right now. I was deconstructing my own blogs. Given that I have the additional info of just how the author felt when she wrote these entries, it's fun reading between my own lines and seeing what I end up actually saying. That's why Beq and I enjoy each other's poetry, maybe. We know the stories behind the poems, sometimes.

I don't like going on like this. I just don't know what to do about it. I have tried to be strong, but I can't, not without a place I can hide in once in a while. I tried to give in to the sadness and bitterness and let it work itself out, but that didn't work either. I just kept on feeling sad and bitter. And once I start crying, I don't seem to be able to stop. The last time, I cried on and off, quietly, almost effortlessly, for two days and nights. I tried to pretend that none of it happened, but how can I of all people even begin to believe that?

I could call up Esha or Beq when I feel like this, but she has enough problems of her own and he just feels frustrated because he is so far away and can't do much about how I feel. Actually, it does help to talk to him.

I shocked our office concierge (caretaker) today. Shankarbhaiya has a soft corner for me, I know, and he was unhappy to see me so upset. But when he saw me smoking, he was downright alarmed! Came after me and asked me why I was so upset, and what was I thinking of, picking up habits I didn't have! Oh dear... it was actually so funny, that cheered me up! What a nasty little person I can be.

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