Saturday, February 28, 2004

Wednesday:
I have a date. Am going out with Mick for lunch. Feels strange. Have been talking to the guy for hours on the phone of late but what will it be like seeing him again?

Had a superb lunch at Banana Leaf. We started with idlis and vadas and then had a cheese dosa each. After wards I went off to GDBS to prepare for ‘Sakuntala’. The show was a genuine disaster. Only Raashi, Sudeshna and Beq saved it from utter ruin. Nilanajana did not. ’Nuff said.

Thursday:
So maybe they are right and I am in fact a little girl getting her hands burned in the grownup world. I suppose it’s necessary. I need to know, if only to protect myself from similar circumstances.
Chased sugar today. That was a new experience too. I think I liked it but I won’t pine if I don’t do it again.
What am I looking for? Not to get hurt? That seems impossible. I seem to go through life looking for the hurtingest places and plunging right in when I find them. What am I really looking for?

Friday:
I should learn to keep my mouth shut. That apart, I set fire to my hair. Was lighting a fag and suddenly felt the locks on the right side of my face go sizzle and then my eyebrow smarted. When I touched it bits of burnt hair came away. It was quite freaky. I’d burned my hair, eyebrow and eyelashes. So I cut all my hair off. I think I like it. It’s definitely très chic. But I won’t have flyaway locks around my face for years now.

Saturday:
WPY (Will Party Youth) finds expression at Debo’s place tonight. With my new haircut I have to, if only to give rein to the newfound joie de vivre coursing through my veins.
Oh, and I have a dinner date with movie thrown in for tonight as well. Hope that works out. That’s really funny, me with two dates in one week and with a different look for each. I think I like this new me.
Have decided to take V’s advice and make myself, using force majeur is necessary, to take a chance on life again. Which obviously translates into taking a chance on les hommes. Am taking things slow but will not let myself get thrown by reverses of fortune. No sirrah!
Somewhere out there I hope there is a certain cute junkie who approves. ;-)

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Mejdadu passed away today. I need to remind myself every so often. I’ve seen him lie there and felt his forehead icy cold under my palm and I still forget. Ma is being a rock but I wonder how long she can keep it up. He was a second father to her. In certain ways I wouldn’t be surprised to hear he was the only father she ever had. As for me, well, he was the only proper grandfather I had left. Perhaps I shouldn’t say that.
He has led a good life. Never heard any bad of him and have certainly never seen any. Wonder how things will be now. Nothing was ever the same after Dadu died.It’s funny how I miss him every now and then. I didn’t when he died. I mean, I would have liked to see him but I didn’t allow myself to think about it. And nowadays I’ve taken to wondering occasionally whether he would have liked to see the woman I’ve become. I think he would. I like to think he’d be proud of me and have protected Dada and Didi from the hell they’ve been through. But then, I’ll never know for sure.
Missed you, Vicky. Was finding it really tough to keep from doing the broken hydrant imitation, and I really needed not to cry. Dr. D gave me the only genuine laugh of the day. For that alone your sins will be pardoned, Doc.
Beq, thanks again for dropping by. The family appreciates it.

Perhaps I’m going around giving the wrong priorities importance. Why do I get involved in all this theatre? What does it give me in return?

Monday, February 02, 2004

I didn’t write about the biggest thing that happened in Chennai. Oh well, in brief then: Esha, three of her friends from college and I went to Sparks(z?) which is a once-a-week disc in Chennai. The men were H, Ravi, Curly, Arjun and Raghu-who-must-not-be-called-by-his-nicker.
Entry was costly but entirely redeemable at the bar so no complaints. Danced with all nine others, individually and collectively… sometimes I amaze myself. Lost count of alcohol intake very early in the evening and didn’t make the mistake of trying to tot up later. There was a lot of herbage appreciation (not at the disc, obviously). I remember a settled preference for unadulterated Vitamin G but we all later agreed that that had probably been a mistake.
Went home in “wee hours”. E took couch, the girls one room and the guys another room. H and I formed a floating population, wandering from sitting-room floor to guys’ room. Ultimately shoved them aside and fell asleep. Woken up by Baba’s call at six, found Nancy on the floor, poor man.
I can’t remember the last day I spent in the city because I think I slept a good part of it. Was extremely hungover although not painfully so, thank god. Part of it was spent driving around for breakfast. There was an actress involved in this somehow. Some more time was spent making my peace with E. Will she forgive me ever? Don’t know.
Good trip though. No regrets on all counts.
Am entirely over S. Mailed him to tell him so. Will he want to keep in touch with me? I don’t know. Am not losing anything I didn’t throw away three years ago.
And now there’s another mail on this doc telling another ‘perfect’ person I vant to be alone. Beq is the only one willing to play along with the mask, bless his soul. But then, he’s seen the worst side of me, so I guess he knows why this could be important to me.

Nicely pensive tone to end a blog. Finally this feels like a diary.