Friday, August 19, 2016

I'm so tired. I can't remember the last happy day. The last time I passed 24 hours without breaking down in tears. The last time I relaxed and just enjoyed the boys.

It's now been three months of depression and I can feel that has almost gone away but in its wake I'm left with this dead feeling. I wake up exhausted, stagger through the day, and then give up each afternoon.

I would at this point pay anybody to just sit at home with the kids so I could go somewhere and not have to answer several questions while also trying to do several things at the same time. I don't think I've ever felt such a complete failure before. There seems to be absolutely nothing I can do, far less do well.

Friday, January 15, 2016

It's 2016

... and I just made my blog private. I want to be able to write again, and I don't want readers.

So much has happened. We moved to Bangalore last summer, six months now. We moved in the terrible heat of a Calcutta May, with a clingy 11 month-old Beni (Rahul was at Vizag with my parents), to a city where we wouldn't have a home or car of our own for several weeks. We were lucky to spend that time at Ro's, a gift that I can never repay but hope some day to pay forward at least. Her maid and her dog made that awful month a little more bearable for me. I spent all June nervous, phoneless, unhappy and tense even as things fell into place one by one.

That's how it's been ever since. Life has kept happening. Things have been falling into place, good things have happened, and horrible things have also happened, and through it all I keep waiting for the next blow to fall when in fact the good has far outweighed the bad. And I wonder why I can't just breathe deep and let the fear go.

For now, this is all that I'm writing.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

That Tiranga Dhokla

A long time ago at The Red Curtain we needed a spectacular food for stage. Something big and unusual that could be made at home and brought to the venue, and I came up with these tiranga dhoklas and giant laddoos. Yesterday at our local Independence Day celebrations there was a tricolour cooking competition so I made the dhoklas again after so long. My mother-in-law, who's visiting us just now, kindly made the chutney and I made the dhoklas from scratch following some excellent recipes.

The top and bottom layers are this recipe. The orange comes from ketchup and a bit of chilli powder though any red sauce will do, keeping the flavours in mind. The green comes from dhaniya chutney. You need generous amounts of both for colour and also to adjust salt accordingly in the basic dhokla batter. The central batter is from here with no changes apart from fewer ground green chillies. I made a batch each on the stovetop and microwave simultaneously and much preferred the stovetop steamed dhokla for softness and texture.

If you give them a shot, here is how I work --
1. Make the basic batters except for the Eno/baking soda part. I made twice the amount of the yellow batter, divided it in two and kept all three bowls ready.
2. Add the red sauce to one yellow batter, mix it in. Add Eno and steam till just firmed up, not fully cooked.
3. Add the Eno to the white batter and spoon gently atop the mostly cooked red dhokla. Steam till just firmed up.
4. Add the green chutney to the second yellow bater, mix it in. Add Eno and steam till cooked. Check with a skewer inserted all the way to the bottom.

If you're microwaving you need to play around with the timings and see what suits your steaming bowl and microwave. I usually make these in glass tumblers in the microwave with another glass of water in there to keep the inside of the oven moist. At 900W I steam approximately 50-60 seconds per layer but this will really depend on how thick your layer is. Your last layer might need a little extra time.

Why am I telling you all this? Because it won first prize. It wasn't the prettiest but it was tasty!